Sweetie! Here is the way when we blow it

Once in a city, there lived a couple who had constant quarrels. In their neighbourhood, there was another couple who lived quietly and happily.

The couple was jealous of their neighbours because of the nice and calm atmosphere of their home.

One day, the wife told her husband, “Go to our neighbours and see what they are doing. Find out the reason for their happiness.”

The husband went to the neighbours and hid outside their house. He started watching them and saw that:

The woman who was wiping the floor in the room. Suddenly, something distracted her, and she ran to the kitchen. Hearing her voice, her husband rushed into the room.

He didn’t notice a bucket of water and, by mistake, kicked it, so the water overflowed on the floor.

A few moments later, the woman came back and said, “I am sorry; it’s my fault because I didn’t remove the bucket out of the way.”

Just then, her husband replied, “No. It’s my mistake. I should have noticed it. I am sorry because I didn’t notice it and spilt all the water.”

After that, both husband and wife cleaned the water and continued with their work.

After seeing this, the husband returned to his wife. The wife asked him, “Did you learn the secret to their happy life?”

The husband replied, “I guess I did. You see, in our home, both of us always seem to be right in our actions and blame each other for any mistake, whereas in their house, each of them takes the blame, and the two work together to correct whatever wrong that happens."

American Christian counsellors Mark and Christian Daniel have articulated profound steps in resolving problems:

Lovingly confront each other: Choose a time and place that is not public; talk to each other while healthily handling anger; target the issue, not the person.

Take time out if things get hot, watch your tones and words, and listen actively to understand.

Forgive one another: The problem in marriage is that there are no one-sided issues; if it's not 50/50, then it's 80/20. Usually, every partner has a contribution; therefore, forgive each other freely because usually both partners get hurt in a conflict.

Take responsibility for your part, even if it's only 20 percent; apologise and be specific while asking for forgiveness.

If you're seriously hurt, make a conscious decision to forgive through your words and actions.

Be specific about what you're forgiving while being gracious and generous in your actions and words. Choose to let go of resentment.

Agree on actions that bring reconciliation and restoration to your closeness: Take the initiative to reconcile, and take responsibility for yourself.

Think of creative options for a way forward and take them together. Agree on what you're going to do, and do it.

Agree on a time to review things together and finally seek help from a third party whenever needed.

Yes, there are moments we blow it, and this is the way to fix it.

Amani Kyala is a counsellor, writer, and teacher, 0626 512 144