How social media won’t let you forget the past

Forgetting the past requires time, concentration, and – most importantly – space. However, social media is making it harder than ever to let go of your past.

It is believed that ‘out of sight, out of mind,’ but the downside of using social media is that bygones are never bygones. Often times you’ll find yourself reminded of a period in time which you wish to forget. Somehow, the internet finds a way of digging up your past.

Bongo flava artists Nandy and Billnas were the topic of a heated online discussion following leakage of their steamy video which showed the two canoodling. When the artistes addressed the matter, they said that the video footage was taken at a time when they were in a relationship. They expressed their regret and apologised for the unsightly video, considering that both artistes had moved on to other relationships.

Other examples of the past coming back to haunt you online are widely seen in the US, especially Hollywood, where celebrities find themselves in heated water following an online tweet or video they posted years back.

Just recently, a racist, Islamophobic joke against a former adviser to Barack Obama on Twitter made by actress Roseanne Barr, led to the show being cancelled. Even though the joke was made in the past, the rise in popularity of the show ‘Roseanne’ meant that people would start digging in to her life, revealing her long forgotten skeletons. The actress deleted the tweet and has since apologised, but that one tweet marked the end of her career.

At times people vent online, they express things that they probably shouldn’t on a public platform. When they come to their senses, it is often too late to make amends. They learn the hard way that whatever goes online, is never forgotten.

Kim Kardashian, a mother, wife, reality tv star and fashion icon, went through a horrid time after her sex tape surfaced online. Though it was taken years back when she was dating singer RayJ, it still haunted her even after she married rapper Kanye West. It is believed that a lot of money had to be paid to a porn site that had the exclusive rights to the video. It was also deleted from all online platforms, including social media.

Past relationships

Online, the past can seem like the present. An ex you broke up with years ago can reappear in an instant. Women for the most part find solace interacting online. If it happens that an ex pops up out of the blue during absentminded scrolling, it can become challenging to overcome the reappearance of a lost love.

When James, 30, and Paulina, 28, ended their relationship two years ago after a dispute, none of them could ever have imagined that they’d still end up together.

A disagreement over a trip to Nairobi two years ago, prompted James to call it quits when his fiancée insisted on traveling despite his disapproval.

It only took a text message for James to put a sword to their relationship following Paulina’s insistence on travelling. .

“I was shocked when I got the text. We had so many future plans together,” Paulina says on her reaction following the breakup. During her trip, she’d often post stuff on social media. James never commented on any of her posts, but he did see all of them, thanks to Whatsapp’s status update that lets you see the people who’ve viewed your status.

Even when you “unfollow” or block someone on social media, they can still find a way to contact you, and some ex’s don’t take it kindly to being blocked, which is why some people just decide not to bother blocking an ex. Though it’s believed that unfollwoing your ex across all social media platforms is a good place to start in your new journey to recovery.

According to Paulina, after a month James started posting photos of him hanging out with female friends he knew Paulina never liked. Splitting up is hard enough, but seeing someone’s new life without you can be torturous. This is one of the ways ex’s try to get at each other. Online, it is believed that when you see your former object of affection sharing funny GIFs on a new girl’s wall and your heart sinks, you might not be too far off from the truth.

James and Paulina remained virtually present in each other’s life even though they had broken up for over a month. It is therefore no surprise that nine months later, a facebook post from Paulina stating she was admitted to Muhimbili National Hospital, was enough to see James rushing to her bedside. Upon seeing her, their love was rekindled and they plan on getting married later this year.

Physiologist Charles Nduku, based in Dar es Salaam, affirms that social media does make it very difficult to overcome an ex-lover. Most of the times one will end up seeing tags from other friends who are not aware of your breakup.

“I’ve seen a lot of cases where ex’s start secetly canoodling again after being reconnected through social media. It might seem like a good idea but things could spiral down real quick,” says Nduku.

Social media tends to surface the best parts of our lives, that’s why it was particularly hard for Irene Jonas and her ex-boyfriend David, to go their separate ways after a breakup.

Contrasting family plans made them end their relationship. A year later Irene was married to someone else, but still remained in touch with David.

“We first stayed in touch via facebook but soon as I got engaged I decided to block him,” she says, adding, “It is not easy to forget all about David. We never fought, we just decided to part ways. After blocking him he kept on calling on my phone but I never answered.”

From Facebook, David started contacting Irene via whatsapp. He’d often comment on her whatsapp status updates. She still ignored him but never bothered to block him. David later made a bold move by sending Irene more than ten photos of their time together as a couple.

“The photos reminded me of our old love and how happy we used to be. I remember texting him back with smile emojis and that is how we started talking until now,” says Irene.

The two meet up for lunch once in a while. However they both agree that it is not right to continue seeing each other despite the fact that they are not dating and don’t have plans to do so.

Rashid Rashid is a relationship expert based in Dar es Salaam, he says Irene and her ex are running a risk of starting an affair due to their constant interaction and considering the fact that their breakup was amicable.

He further says that if you’re still feeling the burn of your breakup, it’s probably too soon for you guys to be connected in any way. It is therefore wise to cease using social media or alternatively you can block your ex online.

“Everyone has their own way of healing after a breakup but keeping your ex active on social media only makes it harder for you to forget the past,” says Rashid.

This year Facebook released data showing that single people who are into each other publicly engage with one another online—much more so than people who are solidly in relationships. This shows the power over relationship that social media has.

Leila Said, 32, a banker agrees that forgetting an ex is never easy. On her part, she only managed to do it after she completely blocked him on every corner of social media.

She says breakups require space to build new life and forget about the past. Her experience with her ex-boyfriend involved physical abuse. In all instances she’d still allow him back in her life because of social media.

“It is just six months since I recovered from social media hangover. My ex is a good guy but cannot control his temper when he drinks. We kept on breaking up and getting back together for the past four years. But now, I will never go back to him,” says Leila.

She adds that someone going through a breakup needs to grieve in peace – without any interruption.