Is it okay to pressure him into proposing?

In Tanzanian society, the topic of marriage serves as a lens through which to examine deeply ingrained cultural norms and societal expectations.

From notions of desperation to societal pressures and personal values, the discourse surrounding marriage reveals a complex interplay of perspectives and experiences.

"Marriage is not just a dream; it's a cornerstone of our society and our culture. It's what we've been raised to aspire to," shares Fatna, a model from Mbezi Beach, echoing the sentiments of many who view marriage as a symbol of stability, family continuity, and societal acceptance within African communities.

However, for women like Fatna, openly expressing a desire for marriage can come with the risk of being labelled as desperate.

"Men see us as clingy or needy when we talk about marriage. But why shouldn't we want a committed relationship? Why settle for less?" she questions, shedding light on the persistent double standards that govern gender expectations.

The recent onstage inquiry about marriage between Bongo Flava artist Zuchu and Diamond Platnumz sparked discussions among fans, with some labelling Zuchu as desperate for her desire to marry someone seemingly unready.

Yet, amidst these criticisms, others recognise Zuchu's agency in knowing her worth in a relationship.

The question is, why is it considered wrong when a woman expresses her desire for marriage? 

Halima Abdallah, an entrepreneur at Ubungo Maziwa, says what Zuchu did was okay. She was right to ask Diamond when he was going to marry her.

"I don't waste my time on relationships that lead nowhere; marriage provides a sense of security and commitment that casual dating can't offer," says Halima.

She too has asked her former boyfriends the same question when she thought they had been in the dating scene for long enough to take matters to the next level.

For her, when a man doesn’t show signs of having plans for a future with her, she usually moves on with her life.

Conversely, a hairdresser at Tabata Matumbi, Sakina Issa, highlights the necessity of knowing one's values before seeking marriage, cautioning against forcing men into commitments they may not be ready for.

"Once you know that marriage is God’s plan, you will stop forcing men to commit. Marriage isn’t something to force anyone into,” she cautions.

Cathy Abel, a resident of Kijitonyama, doesn't think asking when they will make it official is equal to pressuring anyone. She emphasises the consequences of casual relationships without long-term goals, urging women to prioritise their future.

She says it's okay to know if he has any plans for you or not. According to her, wanting to get married isn’t a bad thing, because for how long will you commit adultery?

"Most men are players who dump you in the end and marry someone else. Honestly, I won’t stop bothering you about marriage when I think we’ve dated long enough to make it official. Why should I stay in a relationship that has no goals?” she queries.

A mother of two in Ukonga, Christine Arnold, agrees. She says it doesn't matter how badly you want marriage and that it's not a bad thing to ask him when he’s going to marry you.

"If you feel like there's no plan in your relationship, just ask him when he’s going to marry you. If the response is negative, leave him and go for someone serious," she advises.

What do men think?

Unfortunately, what men think is not what many women would want to hear. Most of those interviewed think it’s not a woman’s thing to propose marriage.

Why? Because if a man wants to marry a woman, they propose to them. “That’s what we do when we want to marry you. We propose. If we don’t want to get married or are not yet sure or ready, we don’t propose,” says Phillip Haule, a bachelor in his early 30s.

A bitter pill to swallow, right?

According to Phillip, it’s not that women cannot or should not ask their partners to marry them. He thinks women shouldn’t have to ask men to marry them.

For him, it’s men who should propose to women, not the other way round. Phillip says if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet, it could be because he doesn’t want to marry you at all and is just enjoying the relationship for what it is.

“Sometimes he may not propose because he’s not sure he wants to settle with you or because he isn’t ready to settle yet,” Phillip shares.

It’s for this reason that Tabata resident Jumanne Salumu cautions against pressuring men into marriage, emphasising the importance of readiness and mutual understanding.

“Honestly, I hate it when a woman keeps asking you about marriage. If the person you are involved with doesn’t talk about it, it means they are not ready.”

Jumanne shares a piece of advice. “To all women, it’s time you knew your worth and stopped asking men about marriage. A man knows when he wants to marry, and if he doesn’t mention it, it’s a sign that he’s not ready. It simply means that the person you are with isn’t thinking about marrying you,” he shares.

However, he acknowledges societal pressures that sometimes lead men to withhold committing.

"Maybe we, men, are to blame for making the women who desire to get married look desperate because we most of the time want to have a relationship with them while we know we don’t want to have a future with them,” notes Phillip.

He's, however, quick to say that there are also women who accept relationships with men who are already committed to someone else, claiming that they don’t care about being the side chick.

A music DJ and MC from Masaki, Alex Lucas, notes the influence of social media on women's expectations around marriage, advising them to focus on genuine connections rather than succumbing to external pressures.

"Many women feel pressured by the idealised images of relationships that they see online. Marriage isn't a Hollywood movie or a soap opera—it should happen naturally, without feeling forced. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your relationship and ensure both of you are genuinely ready to commit. If the answer is yes, go for it," he explains.

Prince Aloyce, an electricity technician from Sinza Palestina, shares his views on the stereotype of women seeking marriage for material gain, saying that sincerity matters in a relationship.

"With the rise of expensive gadgets and social media, some women see marriage as a shortcut to a comfortable lifestyle because they don't want to earn it themselves. When they're in a marriage, all they care about is getting the latest phone or car. They reveal their true colours after the wedding, showing they were only in it for the benefits," he warns.

Similarly, Beka Bernard, a businessman from Kijitonyama, urges men to be wary of women who might pressure them into marriage for the wrong reasons.

"When women are in their 20s, they might enjoy the party scene, dating the 'bad boys’ but when they get older and realise these guys aren't marriage material, they start desperately looking for 'good men' to settle down with. Men should be cautious and not rush into marriage just because they're pressured," he advises.

A social psychologist and president of the Tanzania Association of Psychologists, Magolanga Shagembe, says that desiring marriage isn't inherently negative, but it becomes problematic when coercion is involved.

“If you seek marriage by forcing a man, then it’s wrong because you’ll find yourself entering into a marriage with a man who doesn’t truly love you but has simply agreed to be with you because of the pressure you exerted,” he explains.

The psychologist advocates for both men and women to prioritise personal happiness over rushed commitments, suggesting that being content while single is preferable to entering a bad marriage.

Pastor Deo Sukumbi, from the New Day Church International, offers a different perspective. He says the desire for marriage can stem from various circumstances.

The pastor notes that while men often value authority in relationships, women may feel compelled to push for marriage when they perceive a lack of safety or security.

According to him, most men desire authority, and when it comes to women asking for marriage, it may look like a man is losing authority, especially when it comes to decision-making.

"Women ask for marriage when they don’t feel safe in a relationship. When she’s not sure where the relationship is headed, that’s when she decides to force the marriage to ensure her security,” he explains.

The pastor urges individuals to assess their relationships carefully, emphasising the importance of understanding one's partner's intentions and desires first.

Pastor Sukumbi advises men to avoid committing to relationships if they are unsure about their future goals, cautioning against entering into unions without a clear vision.

For women, he stresses the significance of ensuring their partners share aspirations for a shared future.

“It’s true that a man may be in love with you but isn’t ready for marriage. If women could understand what their partners want in the relationship, it would help them avoid forcing them into marriage because they already know their intentions,” he says.

In essence, Pastor Sukumbi highlights the necessity of mutual understanding and alignment of goals in relationships to avoid the pitfalls of coercion and uncertainty.