Striking the balance: Challenges of nurturing firstborns after the arrival of their siblings

Dar es Salaam. When raising children, many women experience different circumstances, especially after giving birth to a second child. There are some who manage to balance, while others find themselves having a difficult time shifting their love and focus onto the new-born, forgetting that the older child still needs the same attention.

This delicate balance, if not managed well, can lead to feelings of neglect and psychological stress in the older child and the belief that their parents don’t love them anymore.

However, the neglect is often not deliberate, as it is rare to find a mother who truly hates her child. The reality is that the first three months after delivery come with a lot of stress for most women such as sleepless nights with the baby crying the night away, breastfeeding challenges, post-delivery recovery and a host of hormonal imbalances among others.   

Psychologists share that when older kids do not get proper assistance to cope with the changes in the family environment, they will continue to accumulate stress for a long time, and as a result, as they continue to grow, they will experience the challenge of emotional dysregulation.

Ms Beatrice Thomas, a mother of three children, found herself in a difficult pickle after giving birth to her fourth daughter more than ten years ago. “I remember the day I came home from the hospital carrying a new baby. The older sister couldn't believe what she saw and fainted from shock,” she shares.

She said her two children are like twins because she got pregnant when the other one was one year old. Both of them needed love from her, and she had a very hard time ensuring she gave them both the love and attention they needed, especially the older one.

“I am grateful to my doctor who gave advised and taught me that I needed to show more love to the older one because I had denied her the right to breastfeed. Otherwise, I could have caused her psychological problems,” she said.

She advises other mothers and future parents to bear in mind that once they have a second baby, they should ensure the first one receives more love because it is easy for them to experience psychological effects.

They may feel deprived of their parent's love and unable to tolerate the reduced attention to their young ones.

A Clinical Psychologist at the Simedics Polyclinic Health Centre, Mr Saldin Kimangale said that such challenges are more prevalent for children than mothers because the first children feel that their place has been taken thus and as a result, they face difficulty in adjusting to the presence of their sibling.

Mr Kimangale said parents should help their children adapt to new changes by actively involving them in teaching them to engage with their sibling. “For example, play with your little one, kiss your little one, do this or that for your little one. At the same time, parents should be mindful not to make things difficult for their first child at the expense of the second child,” he says.

According to him, in such circumstances, children may experience stress due to their lack of good communication and problem-solving skills. “In this case, they will continue to accumulate stress for a long time, and as they continue to grow, they will face challenges in managing their emotional dysregulation.

“This situation causes a lot of problems in communication and relationships, and can lead to risky behaviour, such as the early use of alcohol and drugs to calm strong emotions. They will also develop trust issues. If children are born in close succession, parents will be challenged and should understand that this is beyond their control, thus they need to find balance,” he said

Mr Josephat Matemu shared a similar view, saying: “When my wife gave birth to our second baby in 2017, I noticed a difference in how she was raising our first child. After realising this, I started to spend more time with our first child so that he wouldn't feel the difference, but I had already seen that he was starting to feel lonely.”

Mr Matemu said women go through many challenges during childbirth, so there is a great need for fathers to be close to them. His wife gave birth by c-section, so she was recovering from surgery while also dealing with a crying new-born at night. It was not easy for her to focus on the firstborn, and she treated the older one like an adult, which was a mistake.

On the other hand, Goba resident, Ms Stella Kaziga said: “When we welcomed a new baby into the family, the shift in focus unintentionally led to overlooking the needs and emotions of the older children.  “The excitement and demands of a new-born consumed most of my attention, leaving the older children feeling side-lined.”

She noted that as parents adjust to the new baby’s schedule, they might not realise that their first child, who was once the centre of attention, is now grappling with feelings of neglect and insecurity.

This transitional period can be particularly challenging for the older child, who may struggle to understand why they are receiving less attention and affection.

“While caring for a new-born, parents might also forget to engage with their older child in ways that reaffirm their importance and role in the family,” she said. Explaining that the older child, who once enjoyed undivided parental care and playtime, may feel a sense of loss as the dynamics shift.

Parents might unintentionally prioritise the immediate needs of the infant like feeding, changing, and soothing, over spending quality time with their older child.

“This oversight can lead to a feeling of being replaced or forgotten, despite the parent's best intentions. Balancing the needs of a new-born with those of an older child requires mindful effort to ensure that every child feels valued and loved during the family’s adjustment to a new addition,” she said.

A psychologist, Mr Charles Nduku, said that this happens a lot. Many parents have high expectations and excitement for their second child because even the experience of having one is often stressful and if there is a feeling that mistakes were made with the first child, parents often want to correct them with the second.

Mr Nduku added: “The challenge that arises when correcting previous mistakes is that the parents then any forget to show love to their first child. This situation becomes particularly difficult if the mother gives birth to a child of the opposite sex, as expectations can become very high, even with the clothes and you will find that they are looking for something different from the first child.”

He said that if parents are not careful at that stage, they could cause the first child to develop psychological problems leading to stress. As a result, the first child might start seeking attachment elsewhere, so maintaining balance is crucial for the development of the child.