How many spouses does it take to make a marriage?

By Hellena Ambele

A simple tweet by Tanzanian PanAfricanist and founder of MMConnect Africa, caused a little bit of an uproar between men and women on Twitter, “I am a big believer in polygamy, when done properly, it works!” wrote Mwamvita Makamba.

You can imagine the diverse opinions from different people on the matter. Some attacked her while others who supported her opinion, of course praised her.

To begin with let me break down the terms for you. Polygyny mostly referred to as polygamy, is the custom of a man  marrying two or more wives, while monogamy on the other hand is the custom of being married to only one husband or wife at a time and finally polyandry which is also a form of polygamy, is the custom of one woman being married to more than one man at the same time.

Life&Style decided to speak to a few individuals to hear out their personal views and preferences on the matter.

Brian, a university student said he prefers monogamy, “Polygamy only creates spite between the multiple spouses, financial predicaments and eventually having more to take care of than one can handle,” he reasoned why.

Elisa Aaron*, a mother of one says that she thinks monogamy is the best type of marriage because it’s the best when it comes to raising and building a family effectively.

“You are able to raise a family effectively because both of you are able to focus properly on day-to-day life errands and investments; additionally, family planning is more effective in a monogamous marriage than a polygamous one,” explained Elisa.

When asked about polyandry she said that women are groomed to having one man as a husband even culturally, so it is immoral, in her opinion, for a woman to have many husbands but it is also tiresome especially when it comes to performing marital roles unlike a man who has more than one wife.

“I think that when a woman has many husbands at a time, she won’t be able to perform effectively as she’ll have too much on her plate which will result in frustration and inability to properly look after her family,” she added.

On the matter, a lady on twitter responded to Mwamvita’s tweet suggesting that maybe if a woman was also allowed to have multiple husbands then it would be fair but she responded by disapproving.

“Women are NOT naturally polygamous- We are life givers and care givers - we are made that way! When settled and content - the care giver part takes over everything we are! We are busy being mothers, wives, sisters, friends, aunties, workers - the time for multiples? Naah,” Mwamvita replied.

Last year, South Africa proposed legalising polyandry but a majority of men were strongly against it.

The country is well known to have one of the most liberal constitution in the world and for that, some activists think that is only fair for women to be allowed to get married to more than one husband just like men are given the privilege to marry more than one wife.

It is still an ongoing debate and has not been approved yet. However, what next if it happens to be legalised? Will it actually work and will such marriages be sustainable?

Shakira Nurdin* on the other hand supports polygamy to some extent but wouldn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage herself. She said that if the man is financially stable and equally loves his wives then it probably would work.

“When I think about it according to the Islamic religion, I think it’s not such a bad idea because religiously the intentions are good but I honestly don’t know what I would do if I found myself in a polygamous marriage; it is not something I would prefer or choose at all,” said Shakira.

Emmanuel Jerry, a resident at Mikocheni says that the dangers of a polygamous marriage is that there are a lot of issues that occur that are not healthy for raising a stable family.

“In most cases the husband tends to neglect one wife and her off springs and favours another together with her off springs and as a result, chaos arises making the environment unbearable for raising children because the wives will constantly be at logger heads,” he explained.

Another source said that he supports polygamy because in that way, the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases from cheating partners reduces because there won’t be any cheating if he has variety of options from his wives since they all know each other.

Someone else who didn’t want his name mentioned supported polygamy saying that in that way women will all get a husband since the ratio of women to men is more respectively especially in the African continent.

“Women are known to be more than men (according to statistics) therefore if a man gets to marry two or more wives then it gives a chance for all women to get a husband instead of robbing them the chance to get married,” he said.

Meanwhile Valeria Soka, a mother and wife thinks that the best option is monogamy backing it up from a Christian perspective.

“I believe that everyone has been created with their soul mate and not soul mates according to the Bible (Isaiah 34:16). Furthermore, in terms of financial capabilities, it is easier to take care of a family that has one wife than one that has more because there will be more expenses and this will slow down any intentions that one has of achieving their dreams because there will be a lot of obstacles,” stressed Valeria.

I decided to get a religious point of view so I talked to Pastor Winner Mbasyula who explained that a monogamous relationship or marriage is God’s will ever since the creation of the first human beings. He backed this up with evidence from a Bible verse: “And He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6.

According to his understanding from the teachings, a man only ought to have one wife and not many.

“If you look at the fifth verse it clearly states that you will be joined to your wife and not wives because from the beginning God intended for marriage to be monogamous and also insisted that the two, not more than that will become one flesh,” urged Winner.

I went further and spoke to Ustadh Shaaban Omar to get a clear point of view from the Islamic teachings as to which one is better, monogamy or polygamy.

Ustadh explained what is contrary to popular beliefs from other religions and even other Muslims who do not fully understand the teachings on marriage properly, that monogamy is the basis of marriage.

“Adam had only one wife. The Quran is the only scripture that insists on marrying one wife for justice. Polygamy is optional, not obligatory. It was practiced by a number of God’s prophets for example, Abraham, the father of monotheistic religions, had three wives. According to the Bible, Solomon (Sulayman) had 700 wives.

In Islam polygamy is limited to four wives only with the exception of Prophet Muhammad who was allowed to have more because his marriages were strategic,” said Shaaban.

He also quoted a verse from the Quran gives the reason as to why one should marry just one wife, “But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then marry “only one”. (Quran, Chapter 4, Verse 3).

This indicates what Emmanuel mentioned above about how wives in a polygamous marriage can risk facing unfair treatment is true therefore even the Holy Book itself stresses that in order to avoid unjust treatment towards a man’s wives then he should marry only one wife.

However, he still gives a vivid explanation as to why Islam supports polygamy saying that the rationale of polygamy goes with the concession that Islam is the religion of nature (“fitra”).

Islamic rulings consider the issue of human nature. With regard to this, and to the fact that marriage has to do with the crucial issue of procreation, men are naturally polygamous while women are naturally monogamous.

“Men impregnate women. Women are impregnated by men. In one year, a woman can conceive only once, but a man can impregnate so many women. Nature restricts women in many ways, for example menstruation period, pregnancy period, weaning period, and menopause, none of which is man’s business. So if you restrict men according to such natural female circumstances, then you are creating an unfair ground. When my wife is in her red days, so am I, when she is pregnant, so am I. When she is weaning, so am I. When she reaches menopause, we share it among ourselves. I am not allowed to produce other children with another woman who needs a husband but has not been lucky enough to get one. I love children and I wish to have as many as I can. Suppose my first wife is unfortunately barren. Others face problems in delivery. She gets only one kid and that is all,” stressed Ustadh.

According to Ustadh, Islam allows polygamy for all such possibilities. The only prerequisite here is justice.

Women also need to pity themselves. If your husband has another pious woman, that other woman becomes your relative.

She will also help your husband in those times of natural impediments. Many men get into furtive illegal relationships because of this.

Nevertheless, he concluded by saying that polygamy is allowed only to pious Muslims. If it is taken up by someone who calls himself a Muslim but he is actually not practicing Islam, this becomes a problem.

He insisted, “Only a pious Muslim can be just. A person who is not just, that is, he is unmindful of God, will treat even one wife unjustly.”

Judging from all the opinions from people and facts based on religious books, what is your take? Which cup will you be able to handle better