PARENTING : How to teach your child to share

A child does not truly understand the concept of sharing until about age 5, says Sara Lise Raff, an educational consultant and mom of three.

“However, a child can be taught to understand some basic rules such as waiting your turn (‘she goes, then you go’), if you walk away from a toy it is open for anyone else to play with, and if you bring your toy to a playdate, then everyone there gets to play with it.”

Or the next time your child doesn’t want to part with something, set a timer, suggests Lynne Milliner, a pediatrician in Cleveland. “Let your child know that he’ll get to play for 10 minutes and then, when the timer goes off, it’s his sister’s turn to play for 10 minutes. This will show your child how to take turns and also let him know that giving up his toy isn’t permanent.”

For the most part, grade-schoolers are good at sharing. They understand and even act on empathy, they’re caught up in friendships, and they like to please others. They have mastered most of the rules of social interaction, so unless they’re having a bad day, they share pretty well — so well, in fact, that they may come home from school with a classmate’s shoes on, because they’re “sharing.”

Some grade-schoolers, though, aren’t convinced that sharing is such a good thing. This is a matter of temperament.

“Kids who are more easily irritated by changes or difficult circumstances sometimes have a hard time sharing,” says Susanne Denham, a developmental psychology professor at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. Others have trouble sharing new toys or things that are in short supply.

What to do

Talk it up. Your grade-schooler is old enough to engage in a detailed discussion about sharing, so talk about the issue and problem-solve together: “Let’s say Nathan comes over and wants to try out your new glitter paints. What will you tell him?” If your youngster is reluctant to share his art supplies, ask him, “How can we avoid a problem?” or “What can you do so that Nathan isn’t disappointed?”

Maybe he’ll suggest putting away the paints before Nathan arrives or decide to let his pal try one of his new colors, along with all of the old ones. In your discussions, point out to your child how sharing will help him build friendships, something of paramount importance to him now.

Don’t punish stinginess. If you tell your grade-schooler that he’s selfish, discipline him when he doesn’t share, or force him to hand over a prized possession, you’ll foster resentment, not generosity. “To encourage sharing, use positive reinforcement rather than admonishment,” advises Roni Leiderman, Ph.D., associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. In other words, when he does share, be sure to compliment him.

Respect your grade-schooler’s things. If your youngster feels that his clothes, books, and toys are being manhandled, it’s unlikely he’ll give them up even for a moment. So ask permission before you borrow his colored pencils, and give him the option of saying no. Make sure that siblings, friends, and babysitters respect his things too, by asking if they can use them and by taking good care of them when they do.

Lead by example. The best way for your grade-schooler to learn generosity is to witness it. So share your ice cream with him. Offer to let him listen to your MP3 player. Don’t forget to remind him that intangibles (like feelings, ideas, and stories) can be shared too. Most important, let him see you give and take, compromise, and share with others.

Teach him what not to share. Once he gets the hang of it, your grade-schooler may be so eager to spread the wealth that you’ll need to remind him that some items — like his toothbrush, comb, hat, and shoes — are best kept to himself.

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