Conquering the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament of the Bible. These are conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively.

This metaphor is, in this case, used to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described by American relationship author Dr John Gottman, are four destructive patterns of communication that can lead to the downfall of a relationship.

These patterns are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I'll use these horsemen to describe what we must conquer to build a successful relationship.

Criticism: The first horseman is criticism. Criticising your partner is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. This is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticise.

In contrast, happy couples are eager to express their gratitude for each other’s efforts. It’s a great way to show that you value and respect your partner.

Contempt: This is the second horseman. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It's when we start treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm and ridicule, calling them names, and mimicking or using body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is to make someone feel despised and worthless.

If we fail to respect each other as spouses, we won't be able to maintain any type of healthy relationship, whether romantic or not. Respect is the bedrock of any successful union.

Defensiveness: You might hear responses like, "This is the way I'm" or "I wouldn't have done this if you behaved differently." It is as if this person is creating a free pass to behave however he wants without any consideration for others.

One thing I must tell this generation is that I wish love was straightforward, but unfortunately, things can get complicated very fast. I wish everything would've been simple and straightforward, but love always takes the scenic and cyclical route.

This is part of relationship beauty. Human beings are complicated, so don't offer easy and disappointing defences. Learn about your partner and admit when you're wrong.

Stonewalling: The term stonewalling is used to describe a situation where one partner stops responding to the other, ignoring or disregarding a spouse, and acting like one doesn’t exist. Stonewalling is an attempt to control the situation by preventing any further discussion about the matter by disengaging emotionally.

Finally, let's stay connected throughout life’s ups and downs. Our children will one day leave the nest; the mean in-law will go far away; and our parents will eventually die. 

When that happens, guess who’ll be left? You got it—it's your spouse! You don’t want to wake up 20 years later and find yourself in front of a stranger because life broke the bonds somewhere in the middle.

Amani Kyala is a counsellor, writer, and teacher, 0626 512 144