Couples cruising through five levels of communication

In 2000, I proposed marriage to my wife Esther. During the early days of our courtship, Esther was so reserved. Unfortunately, she met someone who couldn't relate at a superficial level.

During courtship, I dug a lot to know stuff. Finally, she opened up. She realised that a relationship with me meant we'd trust each other, revealing our joys, excitements, frustrations, and disappointments.

Communication levels reflect the levels of our relationships, from superficial relationships to deeper relationships. Shallow relationships are more concerned with safety and security, while deeper relationships seek broad understanding and strong bonding.

There are five levels of communication, according to American author John Powell.

Cliche: Here partners are strangers to each other. They communicate things like, How're you doing? How is it going there? What do you think about this weather? It's low-risk and shallow communication—little about the person or real connection, just cliche. It's a boring and lonely stage, and individuals are usually still disconnected.

Fact: This is a level where you reveal what you know but very little about who you are. At this level, we still reveal things that happen but not necessarily our true feelings. And honestly, we still keep a person at a safe distance, exposing nothing about ourselves.

Opinion: Here, a couple can share thoughts, opinions, and decisions. However, it's still deceptive communication to both partners because it appears to be a deep conversation, but partners still hide their hearts behind their opinions.

The real question isn't just about what we're thinking regarding circumstances! Instead, go deeper.  Ask questions like, What does this mean to you? How does this affect your life? The opinion level is tricky; we can enjoy robust conversations with someone, but in the real sense we're still in a safe mode. And by keeping a safe distance, we can't experience true friendship. 

Emotion: Profoundly, we now start sharing what we feel, expressing our fears, hopes, frustrations, confusions, disappointments, joys, excitement, victories, and defeats. Now, we begin to slowly reveal who we are, opening our hearts, but we are still cautious lest we hurt our partners. However, it's great because we've now started exposing the struggles and emotions we're wrestling with.

Transparency: Here we completely expose ourselves. It's a deep and authentic communication that gives us the freedom to be honest. We now trust one another as partners and lovers, ready to take vulnerability risks. We now invite accountability, questions, and even corrections.

This makes us better people, better lovers, and better partners. Our partners become drawn to us instead of being driven away.

Lastly, building true friendships and relationships requires moving from cliche to transparency. Although transparency comes with vulnerability, it's by far safe ground, making us build trustworthy and rich relationships that transcend time, space, reason, and circumstances. If you reach this level, you're among a few truly rich people.

Amani Kyala is a counsellor, writer and teacher, 0626 512 144