Motherhood facts that we are scared to share

Before Jacqueline Shuma became a mother five months ago, she considered motherhood to be among the most glorious life stages. This was influenced by what she saw on social networks, which only portrayed the ‘soft parts’ of being a mother. She wanted to live this experience.

“I had a very shallow understanding of what it takes to be a mother until I became one myself. The beautiful photos of mothers with their children on social media made me think it was all glamorous. This made me want to become a mother more than anything in the world. Little did I know there was more to motherhood than what I was seeing,” she shares.

The first five months of her pregnancy were a smooth sail apart from nausea, mood swings and appetite changes. When she hit six months, things took a turn as she started experiencing physical exhaustion and unusual swelling of the body.

The 28-year-old mother of one was attending clinic and at around seven months, her weight jumped from 80 kilogrammes to 89 kilos in three weeks. Her blood pressure also shot up a little bit.

Jacqueline came across an advertisement on Instagram of another hospital that was offering free classes to expectant mothers. They were taught about things to do in the last weeks of pregnancy as well as what to expect in the labour room. She decided to attend and a midwife noticed how her body was swollen and asked if her blood pressure was okay.

“I told the midwife that my doctor said I was okay.”

She later bumped into a former classmate who happened to be a doctor at the hospital, who upon learning that she was seven months pregnant, insisted that something was seriously wrong and suggested she do some tests.

The doctor was right. Her blood pressure was too high that she had to be delivered by C-section the same day to save her and her unborn child.

“When I got back home 11 days later, I began to experience baby blues. These included mild depression, waves of sadness and moodiness. Whenever I woke up to feed my baby in the middle of the night, who was at the time sleeping with my aunt, I would start crying after he went back to sleep. I felt like I was not there for him as I was supposed to. I was disturbed emotionally in ways that I cannot describe. My husband and I did not understand those feelings at the time.”

Jacqueline consulted friends who assured her that what she was going through was normal and that everything would be alright. At the same time, her body started to change.

“This was one of the many things that I hadn’t prepared myself for. Whenever I got into the shower, I resented looking at myself in the mirror. I felt like my body was deformed. My stomach was swollen on the left side. Some of my body parts had darkened and others had stretch marks. All these made me cry because I did not believe I would get back to my old self.”

She thanks her husband for making her feel beautiful whenever she did not. “New mothers should give their bodies time to heal, it takes a long while for the body to bounce back to its old self. They should not rush the process,” she advises.

Jacqueline also notes that motherhood is not a one-size fits all and that the experience is unique for every child.

Doreen Kwayu, a mother of a five-month-old baby girl had a similar experience. With the exception of morning sickness that she experienced from week five to 12, Doreen’s pregnancy was uneventful.

At the time she became a mother, Doreen,30, was also pursuing a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration online. She would play her motherhood role when her daughter was awake and study when she was asleep. Over time she felt overwhelmed by both duties.

“I recall exactly how it felt. Sadness is an understatement. Whenever my husband returned home from work, he would take Kiana and I would go to the bathroom and cry the sadness away. I cannot describe that moment in understandable words. While I am grateful for Kiana’s presence in our lives, there are times when I used to feel like I was not ready for her. I felt like my life had ended the moment I gave birth.”

Doreen further details; “When I consulted my doctor, he said it was postpartum depression and that it was normal for new mothers. He advised me to distract myself with different things and activities.”

Then came breastfeeding complications. Doreen’s nipples started breaking and developed wounds. “Whenever it was time to breastfeed Kiana, I would start crying because it was too painful. I later opted for bottle feeding whereas I pumped my milk.”

Doreen began to resent her body because some parts had changed, including her then discoloured neck.

“I still felt big. Whenever I felt resentment towards my body or some parts of it, my husband reminded me what it had created; our baby. He used to tell me to look at our daughter and the life my body had nurtured. This helped me a lot,” she recalls.

To avoid drowning in the responsibilities of motherhood, Doreen used to go out whenever she had a chance. Her mother and her husband would give her time to be herself.

“These two encouraged me to go out without the baby and this helped me to recover from the overwhelming feelings that came with being a new mother. In spite of the motherly guilt, I would go out to seminars or for ice cream and come back home to happily reunite with my baby again,” Doreen says.

Nancy Maksud, a mother of four and a grandmother to two shares a different story. Before she gave birth to her first child, Nancy felt like she had been late to join the motherhood club. Women at the time were becoming mothers at a younger age.

“I gave birth to my first child when I was 22 . The 67-year- old recalls the support of her mother and her husband and how it eased the new responsibilities.

“Honestly, as much as motherhood is celebrated, people should be made to understand all the things that it comes with. The good and the bad. This will help new mothers to grace this stage when they are fully ready to embrace everything that comes with it,” Nancy advises.

Isaya Kimage, a gynaecologist says most new mothers barely get educated on what to expect on their motherhood journey because doctors usually don’t have enough time to share this important information.

“Women and their partners must be educated on the things that await them before they become parents. This should be done at least six months before pregnancy so as to weigh their options before a baby becomes part of their lives. Most access this information during ante-natal visits. At this point everything is rushed, which is risky for the new parents, especially the mother,” says the doctor.

He suggests that efforts should be made to ensure new parents are educated on reproduction early enough as this will enable them to deal with situations such as postpartum depression.