Reasons and effects of a sexless marriage

Sex is very important in every relationship. Bodies produce happy hormones. It is scientifically proven that couples with a lot of stress practise this act of intimacy less often.

Here comes a question; how often should a married couple have sex? And what happens when a couple is living in a sexless marriage? Woman brings you experiences of sexless marriages and couples who have turned to be roommates.

Through different interviews carried out with experts and different information from websites it was not clearly shown how often sex should be practised by couples. However, according to www.yourtango.com, couples that engage in sexual activities only 10 times in an entire year are also considered to be sexless.

According to psychotherapist Tina Tessina, quoted by wikipedia.org/wiki/sexless marriage “the most common causes of sexless marriages” are that “one partner had their feelings hurt or got turned down too many times, one got too busy or neglectful, or one or both partners has a communication problem of some sort”

Two volunteers, from different couples shared their stories. They say that they are currently enduring  sexless marriage.  Irene* (41) has been married for ten years. Peter* (37) has been married for seven years.

Irene’s experience matches the description quoted by psychotherapist Tessina. She has not had sex with her husband for two years now; however, they are sharing the same bedroom.

Irene’s story

Irene works in the customer care department for one of the telecommunication companies in the Country. She met her husband back in 2002 through her friend who had gone to school with him during their academic days.

They started out as good friends and a year later their friendship blossomed and they started dating. Irene’s lover proposed to her in 2004, she emphatically said yes after she was sure that it was the right decision, they got married that same year. However, four years into the marriage her husband became unfaithful.

She tells us her story;

He is not faithful and that killed the love I had for him. I don’t care if we are not intimate anymore. I am happy we are sexless because I don’t have to worry anymore that I might be infected with HIV due to his cheating behaviour.

I trusted him and committed my full support to him and maintained the family’s wellbeing. There are times we had to borrow money from my parents to meet our needs. It was evidently clear that we had no money while all along he was misusing the little we had to gratify his sexual pleasures with another woman.

For the first time I caught him cheating, it was six years ago. I believed in forgiveness back then but now I don’t. Had I known that he is a pathological liar, I wouldn’t have forgiven him.

I gave him another chance, it was meant to salvage our marriage and restore the love I felt for him. I wasn’t sure if he still loved me after what he had done, however he was very apologetic after I caught him, I took a leap of faith and decided to forgive him

 A year or so later after I had forgiven him he did it again. I decided to go for an HIV test three times. I am glad all three results came back negative. I involved parents from both sides of the marriage and told them about our situation.

Both parents insisted I should forgive him for the second time. I made it clear to them that I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. I had set a condition to him, no more sex. If he is going to force me to it then I’ve made it clear that I will divorce him.

 We are going to live like this for the rest of our lives. He has to thank our children who keep me here because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have stayed. We still go to church together and participate in family activities, but that is as far as our association goes, in the bedroom, nothing happens.

Peter’s story

Peter (37) has been married for five years now. His experience differs from Irene’s, however they share the same experience. He has not had sex with his wife for six months now.

According to Peter, his wife is extremely dirty and a nag. It puts him off and he can’t help it. They met back in 2006 in the highly populated Kariakoo market area and they started dating two weeks later. “She is a woman I respected most since she was unavailable most of the time when I had every intention to date her,” says Peter. He continues with the story;

We never spent nights together until we got married in 2009. During this time, I never had time to learn more about her personal hygiene since she would come once in a while to my place.

We have two children. I earn very little from my small-scale business of selling tomatoes at Kariakoo market. This has enabled us to live in a single rented room. The problem is, regardless of our situation, her hygiene is a mess! From cleaning the room, to her personal body hygiene, everything is a mess!

It looks like she cannot handle pressure from the children and maintain cleanness in our room. She is lazy; whenever I come back from my business, often times I find her sleeping or talking around with neighbours while the room is not attended to.

I think since we have infants she is supposed to be washing their clothes now and then. Children require a lot of taking care of; she on the other hand does not seem to care.

I even doubt if my children eat well-prepared food, most of the time when I get back home I find them already asleep. 

I have cautioned her to change, but she seems to act indifferently. I thus decided to stop having sex with her until she changes her attitude but it looks like she still doesn’t care as there are no signs of change.

I will refrain from having sex with her up to eight months; if she does not change I will notify her parents on the matter. In the meantime, we just live like roommates.

Psychotherapist Julius Twoli said that sexless marriages are due to different problems in the marriage. Many couples are always affected by lack of trust, anxiety and misunderstandings.

Adding to that he said, modern life has something to do with sexless marriage. Both men and women are very busy these days trying to earn a decent living and they may have different working hours.

The therapist also said that; couples with young children can go through stress due to the task of taking good care of the children and giving them required attention. Adultery is also said to be among the major reasons for sexless marriage.

Biblical angle

Commenting on the matter, Father Titus Ngapemba of the Department of Communication, Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Mwanza says that marriage is a holy sacrament whereby people decide on their own volition and promise to love each other for better and for worse, in health and sickness until death do them part.

At any given situation, a marriage will always stand as a marriage and none of the spouses is allowed to seek divorce no matter the intensity of the situation. As long as they got married at a Roman Catholic Church, divorce is never allowed.

Quoting the Holy Bible in the book of Ephesians Chapter 5 verse 2; a husband is being told to love his wife and the wife is ordered to respect her husband. Most couples fail to live up to this word  of God as a result they fall under unholy traps.

“Marriage is a commitment. And men have to know that a woman is there to be pampered, cared for and loved. They fail on this area and the women decide to disrespect them, as a result, happiness eludes the marriage,” says Father Ngapemba.

Legal angle

One of the important fruits to be enjoyed in a marriage is the act of having sexual intercourse with your partner, our law in Tanzania (The Law of Marriage Act) which guides us on matrimonial matters actually states that a marriage which has not been consummated is voidable, meaning that either partner can decide to annul the marriage.

Therefore, before we decide to deprive the other partner one of the most enjoyable activity on earth, let us first consider the effects and repercussions that will come with such decisions. There are reasons however, as those seen from the two stories, where the act of sex itself becomes a risk which a partner in a marriage finds too hefty to take. So, at the end of the day, we all need to clearly analyse our relationship and decide what is right and wrong.