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Funeral sentiments: The emotional weight of ‘don’t attend my funeral’
What you need to know:
Phrases like "If you don’t come to my funeral, I won’t forgive you" or "When I die, don’t you dare come to bury me" reflect more than momentary anger.
Life and death are milestones defined not just by events, but by the relationships we cultivate—and sometimes fail to mend—along the way. The way people wish to be remembered, or not remembered, often reveals profound truths about the human condition. Recently, while I was seated at a lively bar in Dar es Salaam, I overheard an argument between two siblings so fierce they swore to bar each other from their funerals. This exchange, shocking in its bitterness, prompted me to delve deeper into the roots of such sentiments.
Phrases like "If you don’t come to my funeral, I won’t forgive you" or "When I die, don’t you dare come to bury me" reflect more than momentary anger. They reveal layers of unresolved tension, personal principles, and an evolving discourse about autonomy and respect. But are these declarations justified? Should they be honoured? Perspectives from diverse voices help us unpack this compelling topic.
The deceased’s wishes: Respect or obligation?
Tanzanian entrepreneur and founder of Teknokona Group Steven Mokiwa, advocates for honouring the deceased’s wishes, regardless of personal opinion.
"The wishes of the deceased should be respected. If we cannot honour those, even a Will would lose its meaning. If someone says they don’t want me at their funeral, I will respect that—not because of superstition, but out of respect for their autonomy," Steven said.
This view, grounded in respect, mirrors a broader cultural shift towards individualism. In countries like the United Kingdom, where personal autonomy is highly valued, similar debates arise over respecting funeral directives, including requests for who should or should not attend. Legally, while Wills can dictate material inheritance, emotional directives such as attendance remain in murky, often unenforceable territory.
For journalist Julius Maricha, funerals are more than rituals; they are the capstones of life.
"A funeral is one of life’s pivotal ceremonies—birth, marriage, and death. If someone explicitly requests your absence, you must honour that. It’s their final stage, and they’ve made their wishes known," he said.
Maricha’s perspective resonates with other cultures that see funerals as sacred milestones. In Japan, for instance, the kotsuage ceremony—where family members collect the deceased’s bones—underscores how deeply the living honour the dead's wishes. Ignoring such directives could be seen as disrespecting the person’s spiritual journey.
The role of emotions: Pettiness or practicality?
Yet not everyone sees these declarations as rational or enforceable. Lucy Tomeka, Online and Creative Content Editor at The Citizen Tanzania, dismisses such sentiments as emotionally charged outbursts.
"That’s just emotional pettiness. Death is inevitable, and the dead have no agency over who attends their burial. In the grand scheme of life and death, such statements are trivial," she says, adding a humorous twist:
"Unajuaje utazikwa? What if your remains are scattered in an accident? Will you instruct the elements or scavengers not to touch you?"
Tomeka’s candid perspective invites reflection on the futility of such declarations, drawing parallels to cultures like Mexico’s, where the Día de los Muertos celebrates death as part of life. There, funerals are communal, transcending personal grudges to honour collective heritage.
Grudges and unresolved conflicts
Psychologist James Massawe, based in Arusha, highlights how unresolved relationships fuel such declarations.
"Often, these wishes stem from lingering resentment or emotional wounds. Ironically, death renders such grudges moot—what’s left is how the living choose to interpret and act on them," he explains.
In Western psychology, similar insights emerge: funerals are as much about those left behind as the deceased. The grieving process, experts say, hinges on reconciliation—both with others and within oneself.
Balancing tradition and modernity
Nyambura Seduu, a sociologist, bridges the divide between modernity and tradition.
"In African cultures, funerals are communal, not individualistic. Excluding someone from attending disrupts the collective grieving process, which is central to our heritage. However, growing individualism is reshaping these practices, reflecting a shift towards personal autonomy over communal norms," she said.
Seduu’s insights echo similar tensions in India, where religious and familial duties often clash with personal wishes. The balance between individual preferences and collective traditions remains a universal challenge.
The legacy we leave behind
Ultimately, these declarations—whether viewed as commands or emotional rhetoric—highlight humanity’s enduring desire to control their legacy. In an increasingly individualised world, people seek to leave behind not just material wealth but also a narrative of their lives that reflects their values and relationships.
But herein lies the irony: our legacies are shaped more by how we live and treat others than by directives issued in anger or despair. Whether or not someone attends a funeral matters less than the relationships nurtured—or neglected—during life.
What do you think?
Should these wishes be honoured, or are they fleeting sentiments to be dismissed? Share your thoughts on The Citizen’s social platforms and join the discussion. After all, how we live, love, and resolve conflicts speaks louder than any funeral attendance list ever could.
