Most men tend to lie about multiple partners: survey

Dar es Salaam. Mariam Mwalimu, 30 and a mother of two, is always jittery when it comes to her husband. She checks his Facebook and goes through his emails. Then she checks his phone inbox and sent box before they go to bed.

She confides: “I have fought with several women over the phone concerning my husband. When I suspect a woman has a thing with him, I never spare her a piece of my mind. I call her and tell her to stay away from my man. No one messes around with my man.”

But her husband is smart these days. “He deletes any suspicious messages before I go through his phone,” Mwalimu explains.

Although she has never caught him with another woman in four years of marriage, she still suspects he might be cheating on her. If her suspicion is ever confirmed, she will divorce him. “Even the Bible doesn’t accept adultery,” she adds.

A new survey in 30 African countries, Tanzania included, offers an explanation as to why Mwalimu is so suspicious. In all the countries surveyed, more men said they had one wife than women who said they had no co-wives—suggesting that women suspect, or know, that the men have other wives but the men will not own up to it. 

According to the survey, which was first published by South Africa’s Mail & Guardian newspaper, Demographic Health Surveys compiled from 30 African countries by USAID reveals that men in Tanzania hide their marital status where polygamy is concerned.

The data showed that men were not telling the truth on whether they had a second wife, while women seemed to believe the opposite. According to the survey, there is a disparity between men’s claims that they are monogamous and women’s suspicion of their husbands. More men claim to have one wife while only a few women believe them. In other words, most women suspect or know their husbands have other wives but the men will not acknowledge it. They named it the “polygamy hypocrisy gap”.

The biggest gap among the countries surveyed is Swaziland, where the divergence was nearly 30 per cent point. While 94.1 per cent of married Swazi men say they are monogamous, just 66 per cent of married women say they are not sharing their husbands, suggesting that nearly three in 10 married Swazi men are secretly polygamous.

Tanzania ranked seventh in position from top of the list Swaziland, with a 13 per cent divergence. It is the only country in East Africa to hold this high gap degree. West African countries revealed high divergence as well. Following Swaziland are Sao Time and Principe, Sierra Leone, Senegal, Burkina Faso, Guinea, Nigeria, Cameroon, Benin and Liberia.  

The narrowest gap is found in the Great Lakes region: The Democratic Republic of Congo, Rwanda and Burundi, Ethiopia, Madagascar and Malawi. In these countries, men tend to be honestly monogamous, with an almost equal number of men saying they have one wife and women agreeing that they are not sharing their husbands.

With the recent popular media campaign ‘Mchepuko Noma’, (divergence is bad) it appears there is more freedom to condemn polygamy in public. But a survey by The Citizen revealed the polygamy hypocrisy gap. While married women admit they suspect their husbands of having other wives, married men deny having affairs out of wedlock. At the same time, they were not shocked that this was the case in Tanzania. “I see it happening,” said one of the men interviewed.  “But I don’t accept it. Please don’t mention my name.”

It was a common response from most of those questioned.

There are many theories why this could be so, says Chris Mauki, a University of Dar es Salaam lecturer and social psychologist. The first is that man is nomadic. He adds: “You cannot expect him to stop at one woman. Even if you try to stop him, he will still want to venture out. That is the nature of a man.”

Most men are reportedly disappointed with their sex lives. They want more adventure than their wives are willing to give them. The alternative is to look for another woman to satisfy them.

In line with this argument, Modesta Kimonga of the University of Dodoma says: “The modern educated woman is too busy for her man. She comes home late and isn’t willing to satisfy her husband when he needs her. Men aren’t the only one to blame for this.”

But this is just a lame excuse, says Mwalimu. She adds: “Men are as busy as we are. It shouldn’t be my fault that he cheats. If he cheats on account that I am busy, then maybe I should cheat too because he is busy.”

But relations between men and women are not that simple, according to Kimonga. By nature, men want respect from their wives, and they are not humble enough, men seek something extra that will soothe them, even if it is just temporary.

She adds: “I am not saying this to justify their actions. I actually think that when a man seeks another wife, it is a sign of immaturity. And now that there are sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV/Aids, more wives just increase the risk of transmission.”

Man’s immaturity is in thinking that he can get lasting satisfaction from having many wives, says Mauki: “When a man has another wife other in secret, it isn’t a fulfilling relationship. Since they are not fully committed to each other, the relationship doesn’t face equal challenges as those faced in a relationship where the man and woman live together at all times. Hence, it isn’t fulfilling.”

When Ghati Mwita’s mother was married at the commissioner’s office over 30 years ago as wife number two, it was no secret. Growing up, her father spent more time in her mother’s home in Musoma. And when school closed, she and her four sisters went to their other mother’s home. She had six children. Ghati is now 31 and does not remember a time when her “mothers” fought. They are actually best friends, she says. And all Mzee Mwita’s children are close.

She says, laughing: “My mother told me that, in a way, my father lied to her. She didn’t know he was married when they hooked up. The only reason she agreed to marry him was because she had his child. He wouldn’t let her leave with the child.”

Her mother tells her the two women were not on good terms in the beginning. The first wife came around and accepted the situation later. Back in Musoma, polygamy is still a normal thing. Her grandfather had four wives and her father two. “He halved the number, at least,” she says, laughing. 

But Ghati does not like polygamy and would not want her husband marrying another woman.  They have been married three years and have not had a baby yet. Her husband travels a lot for work these days. At times she is terrified that he might be having an affair. “But I trust him,” she adds. “I try not to think that way.”

Although she did not suffer much as a child in a polygamous family, she saw her mother struggle to earn a living. “She couldn’t solely depend on her husband, so she had to work harder to take care of us,” she recalls. “It is the woman who always suffers, whether or not she was married first.”

It is a completely different ball game, Mauki says, when the second “marriage” is secret--which is the most common case. He adds: “I don’t think the other woman is even worth being called a wife. She is just a concubine, hawara. And it is sad that the other woman would think that she is the only one. Once a man has a woman other than his wife, she should know that he has others elsewhere. It is just that he is clever enough to make sure they never meet.”

Gaudence Mushi of The Holy Ghost Fathers says polygamy is not a crime. “It could be considered immoral, but it isn’t a crime,” he adds. But those who justify polygamy through the Bible are wrong. That was the Old Testament, he says. In the New Testament, Jesus Christ came to restore the original plan of how man and woman should live. “One man and one woman,” he adds. “This is the will of God.”

Is it then that men face a struggle between their Christian values and their inner desires? Would it help to legalise polygamy? Says Mauki: “We could toy with that idea for a minute. But even if we did, legalising polygamy wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t solve a man’s lustful nature or give him the satisfaction of heart that he is looking for.”