Breaking free: Overcoming the weight of expectations

By Haika Gerson

Picture this: You’re carrying a bag so heavy it’s slowing your every step. 

That bag is filled with everyone’s expectations—your parents’ career dreams for you, society’s milestones, and even the pressure to be the “perfect” version of yourself on social media. 
It’s exhausting, right? Yet many of us willingly carry this weight, believing we’re obligated to meet these demands.

But here’s a reality check: Living under the weight of others’ expectations can derail your mental health, leaving you trapped in an unfulfilled life. 

The key to thriving lies in unpacking that bag and reclaiming your identity.

Why expectations hold so much power
From a psychological perspective, expectations are tied to our deepest need for belonging, as described in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. 

Humans are wired to seek acceptance, and conforming to what others want often feels like the safest route to gain approval. 

Whether it’s choosing a conventional career to avoid disappointing your family or projecting a curated life online, these choices are often rooted in a fear of rejection. 
Social comparison theory also explains why we measure our success against others’ standards. 

In today’s digital age, social media exacerbates this tendency, creating a loop where external validation often trumps personal fulfilment.

The toll of living for others
When you prioritise meeting others’ expectations over listening to your inner voice, it impacts your mental health in profound ways:

Emotional exhaustion 
Carrying the burden of inauthenticity leads to emotional fatigue. 
Constantly juggling who you are versus who you “should” be can result in burnout, leaving you feeling depleted.

Loss of identity
When you adopt roles defined by others, you suppress your individuality. 
Over time, you may feel disconnected from your true self, creating confusion about what you genuinely want in life.

Increased anxiety
Trying to live up to perfectionist standards can lead to chronic worry and self-doubt. 
This anxiety often stems from fear of failure or disappointing those whose opinions you value most.

Shifting from external to internal validation
To break free from the weight of expectations, you must shift your focus from external validation to internal fulfilment. Here’s how:

1.Understand your core values
Psychologists often emphasise the importance of values in decision-making. 
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), for example, encourages individuals to identify their values and use them as a compass for action. 
Ask yourself: What do I value most in life? Does this align with the choices I’m making?

2. Embrace imperfection
The pursuit of perfection is often fuelled by unrealistic societal expectations. 
Brene Brown, a renowned researcher, highlights the power of vulnerability and letting go of perfectionism. 
She argues that embracing your flaws leads to deeper connections and greater personal freedom.

3. Decouple achievement from self-worth
A lot of pressure comes from equating accomplishments with self-worth. 
Understanding that your value isn’t tied to external success can free you from toxic expectations. 
Self-determination theory suggests that autonomy, competence, and relatedness—not external rewards—are the keys to psychological well-being.

Practical steps to reclaim your life
Breaking free doesn’t happen overnight, but small, intentional actions can pave the way toward authenticity:

Reflect on your why
Before making a major decision, ask yourself, “Am I doing this because it aligns with my goals, or because it’s what others expect?” 
Journaling can help untangle these motivations.

Redefine success
Society often equates success with money, status, or fame. 
Redefine success in a way that feels authentic to you. For example, success could mean having meaningful relationships, inner peace, or contributing to causes you care about.

Seek professional support
Therapists and counsellors can help you navigate the challenges of breaking free from expectations. 
Approaches like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can help reframe unhelpful thought patterns, such as “If I don’t achieve this, I’ll be a failure.”

Learn to say no
Setting boundaries can feel daunting, but it’s a vital skill for protecting your mental health. 
Saying no to something that doesn’t align with your values is saying yes to your well-being.

Psychological growth through authenticity
When you let go of expectations, you open the door to psychological growth. 
Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, believed in the concept of self-actualisation—reaching your full potential by living authentically. 
This doesn’t mean life becomes easy, but it becomes genuinely fulfilling.
Studies also show that people who prioritise authenticity report lower levels of stress and higher life satisfaction. 

By aligning your choices with your values, you strengthen your resilience and develop a more positive outlook on life.
Breaking free from the weight of expectations is one of the most liberating steps you can take in your journey to adulthood. 

While the process may involve uncomfortable conversations and difficult decisions, the reward is a life that reflects who you truly are.
Remember, your life is yours to design. 
The voices of others may be loud, but your inner voice deserves to be heard. 
Choose authenticity over approval, and watch how your world transforms.
 

Haika Gerson is a writer and psychology student at the University of Derby, passionate about human behaviour and mental well-being