Building trust in family helps children disclose harms done to them

Trust is a very important player in human dynamics from early childhood to adulthood. It is not a mere instinct but rather a merger of both cognitive and emotional processes with learnt experiences. In children, according to experts, trust develops out of consistency in care, needs that are met, boundaries that are respected, and a sustainable sense of security and predictability (Kotaman, H., Aslan, M., Young children’s trust and sharing decisions, ICEP 18, 3: 2024).

Experts in relational health in the context of early childhood aver that children must grow up in an environment that builds in them a strong sense of trust, as it is a currency for nurturing them fruitfully later in the future. (Summers JK, et al., The Role of Interaction with Nature in Childhood Development: An Under-Appreciated Ecosystem Service, 2019).

A family environment that has friendly conversation, care, company, and love will go a long way to make a child comfortable to peacefully express his or her ideas and worries. It is different from a home that entertains anger, fights, foul exchanges of words, physical violence, absent parenting, and others. Children are distressed by these negative emotions and are affected by them, sometimes in ways that even years of therapy can hardly heal.

If a child does not have enough sense of trust with parents and the closer family circle, they will hardly open up to speak about things that trouble them the most. It is a socioemotional outcome of the early parent-child relationship, as experts call it, together with cognitive and other neurobiological outcomes. (Frosch CA, Schoppe-Sullivan SJ, O'Banion DD. Parenting and Child Development: A Relational Health Perspective, 2019).

It defeats our collective desire as a society to end violence and abuse done to children if we plant and nurture distrust in the family circles. Adults have to behave and show children that they can be trusted, and children can truly trust them. But we have a lot of abuses and violence (verbal, physical, sexual, mental/psychological, etc.) perpetrated from within the family, which, in principle, should be a safe space for children. This way, children cannot believe that they are loved and protected, and therefore, even when in dilemmas, they may not express their troubles and pains.

It is good that parents get it right early on that parenting is not a war or a fight. It is a relationship, with both children and parents being active players, helping each other to grow. This ‘helping each other to grow’ phrase may sound far-fetched, but it is true. Parents and other caregivers, according to studies, are essential resources for children in nurturing their sense of self and tempering emotional arousal, overcoming fear, coping with stressful situations, and accepting disappointments and frustrations.

They have to learn to provide positive affirmations, to convey love and respect, and to engender a sense of security. In this way, parents too grow by shedding off their negative inclinations, which they do not wish to pass on actively or passively to their children. (Breiner H, et al., (Eds), Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8, 2016).

Many of us might have seen or heard of an actual family wherein the parent-child relationship is like that of a hunting Tom and a fleeing Jerry. In adulthood, the majority of adults replicate, in inclinations, actions, feelings, behaviours, and thoughts, to a great extent, what they grew up encountering from parents and adult guardians.

Children who grow up in selfish homes or with violent, rude, or cruel parents, unless redeemed by exceptional circumstances, tend to follow similar patterns. It is hard, for example, for a child to learn empathy when they have never been treated with empathy and have never seen their parents being empathic towards anyone. Trust builds and safeguards family bonds and makes conversations more meaningful and impactful, especially in the lives of the children.

It is also time to challenge the trends of parenting, especially those that are deeply embedded in our shared (cultural) life and are seen as normal but which are barriers to meaningful parent-child conversations. Conversation is the lifeblood of psychosocial and emotional maturity as children grow up. Some cultures see iron-fist parenting as the only way, regardless of the age and dynamics of a child, which are personal to them and make them vulnerable to being misguided or affected negatively.

Since we want to protect children, we must hear what they have to say, how they appreciate/judge the way they are being treated, and how they want to be treated. We will hear more, prevent more harm, and bring many more cases before justice if we have in place conditions that support respectful and free conversations among parents and other trusted adults with children who, by power dynamics, are on the receiving end of both the good, the bad, and the ugly that the society offers. Together with all this, it is important to speak to children openly and teach them how they should not be treated, regardless of who is involved.

Shimbo Pastory is an advocate for positive social transformation and a student of the Loyola School of Theology, Ateneo de Manila University, Manila, Philippines. Website: www.shimbopastory.com