Dear young person: Who are you, really?

By Haika Gerson

Growing up, we’re often bombarded with questions like, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” or “Who do you see yourself becoming?” But the truth is, most of us don’t have all the answers. Figuring out who you are—beyond what people expect of you—can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding parts of adulthood.

The journey to discovering your identity is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. It’s not just about deciding what career path to follow or the kind of life you want to live. It’s about peeling back the layers of expectations from society, family, and culture to uncover who you are at your core.

The weight of expectations

As Tanzanians, many of us grow up in communities where family ties and traditions shape who we’re expected to be. Cultural norms dictate everything from the careers we should pursue to how we should behave. For instance, in many Tanzanian families, the oldest child is often seen as a ‘third parent,’ taking on responsibilities such as caring for siblings or contributing to household expenses. If you’re a woman, you might feel the pressure to prioritize marriage and family over career aspirations.

In rural areas, young adults may face pressure to stay close to home and support their family’s agricultural activities, while those in urban centres might experience the push to enter “prestigious” careers like medicine or law. These cultural dynamics, while rooted in tradition, can sometimes overshadow personal ambitions.

This tug-of-war between tradition and personal desires can lead to what psychologists call 'identity diffusion’. This is a state where you struggle to define yourself because you’re torn between who you are and who others want you to be. This conflict can create anxiety, self-doubt, and even depression.

But here's the thing: while it’s important to respect your roots, your identity isn’t a checklist of societal expectations. It’s a combination of your values, interests, and experiences—things that make you uniquely you.

The role of self-awareness

The first step to discovering your identity is self-awareness—being honest about your strengths, weaknesses, and desires, and reflecting on what truly resonates with you. Ask yourself:

• What are the things that genuinely make me happy?
• What values are non-negotiable in my life?
• Am I pursuing certain goals because I want to or because I feel obligated?

Taking time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings can help you make decisions that align with your true self rather than succumbing to external pressures.

The influence of social media

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok can be both inspiring and damaging. On one hand, you see people who seem to have their lives figured out—traveling, working dream jobs, or starting successful businesses. On the other hand, this constant exposure to others' reels can make you feel inadequate.

For Tanzanians, this comparison can take on unique dimensions. Seeing peers who have studied abroad, achieved financial independence, or built influential social media followings can create added pressure to “catch up.”

This phenomenon, often referred to as “social comparison,” is known to contribute to low self-esteem and dissatisfaction. It’s easy to lose sight of your own journey when you’re too focused on others. A good way to combat this is by curating your feed—unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself and engage with content that uplifts and motivates you.

Embracing the messiness

One of the biggest lessons about identity is that it’s not fixed. Who you are at 19 might not be who you are at 29, and that’s okay. Life experiences—whether it’s starting your first job, traveling to new places, or even making mistakes—shape and redefine your sense of self over time.

For example, a young professional in Dar es Salaam might begin their career in banking but later discover a passion for entrepreneurship, leading them to open a small business. These shifts aren’t failures; they’re part of the journey to finding what truly aligns with your values.

Think of your identity as a puzzle. Each experience adds a piece, and sometimes you’ll need to rearrange or discard pieces that no longer fit. This process requires patience and self-compassion.

How to navigate the journey

1. Journal your thoughts: Writing down your feelings can help you identify patterns in what makes you happy or stressed. Over time, you’ll start to see a clearer picture of what matters most to you.
2. Try new things: Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby or meeting people outside your usual social circle, new experiences can provide insight into what truly resonates with you.
3. Seek support: Sometimes, figuring out your identity can feel overwhelming. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist can give you the perspective and support you need.
4. Set boundaries: As you grow into yourself, you’ll realize that not everyone will understand or support your journey—and that’s okay. Learn to say no to things that don’t align with your values, even if it means disappointing others.

From a psychological standpoint, discovering your identity is closely tied to your mental health. When you live authentically, you’re more likely to experience a sense of fulfilment and purpose. On the other hand, suppressing your true self to meet others’ expectations can lead to chronic stress and burnout.

Research has shown that individuals with a strong sense of identity tend to have higher self-esteem and resilience. They’re better equipped to handle life’s challenges because they know who they are and what they stand for.

The journey to discovering your identity isn’t a race; it’s a marathon. There’s no timeline or deadline, so take it one step at a time. Be kind to yourself when you stumble, and celebrate the small victories along the way.

Remember, you’re not obligated to fit into anyone else’s idea of who you should be. Your identity is yours to define, and living authentically is one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental and emotional well-being.

Haika Gerson is a writer and psychology student at the University of Derby, passionate about human behaviour and mental well-being.