A marriage that has stood the test of time

It is an indisputable fact that people get married because of love. However, maintaining that love until death do them part as the Bible specifies has proven to be a difficult task for many. 

Many have failed to sail through the rough tides in marriage and those who have managed will tell you it’s a journey full of ups and downs.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day today, we bring you a story of a couple whose love for each other has stood the test of time. 

Mr and Mrs John Alfonso Nchimbi, parents of former Home Affairs Minister, Emmanuel Nchimbi, will in June celebrate 47 years in holy matrimony. They shared their love story with Sound Living. 

During the interview, I was amazed at how the two interacted with each other. It was as if they just met. They did so in such a loving manner and would crack a joke here and there. Mr Nchimbi, 74, calls his wife Sylivia, 66, his best friend. In short, there is no mistaking that the two are still very much in love.

Want to know the secret to their happy marriage? Mr Nchimbi says apart from their own efforts, God’s grace is what has seen their relationship go this far.

The father of six says while couples have a role to play in nurturing their love, God’s help is also very important. Prayer is the weapon that has seen them through the ups and downs of marriage.

Mr Nchimbi says in marriage, people only get to realize the strength of their bond after a crisis hits. It is the way the couple handles the rough waters that determines how strong their bond is.    

How they met

It was in 1968 when Mr Nchimbi set his eyes on the mother of his children, Sylvia. The moment he saw her, he immediately knew she was his missing rib he had been searching for. She was the woman of his life. They dated for some time before saying I do in 1969. 

“By then I was a teacher in Mbeya region’s Mbozi district while my best friend, Sylvia, was a nurse in the same district,” says Mr Nchimbi, who currently lives at Tabata Kisiwani in Dar es Salaam. 

Mr Nchimbi believes theirs was a match made in heaven, which is why  they have been happily married all these years.

For him, the perception that marriages today are unlikely to last long is just a fallacy. “I’m confident that with love, commitment and respect for each other, couples may last longer in marriage,” says Mr Nchimbi.

Mrs Nchimbi who had been quiet all this time chipped in, saying couples should learn to solve their problems together, especially at times of crisis instead of leaving the burden to others. 

“Marriage is like planting a tree,” she says adding; “Watering the tree is all it takes for it to grow. Sometimes you need to prune some branches to make it grow better. Love and commitment are the core of a happy marriage.”     

Mr Nchimbi concedes, saying that respect for each other is the arsenal that couples need to have at all times in order to happily enjoy their relationship. Learning to accept one’s weaknesses and be ready to offer your support is key to a strong relationship.

“I married Sylvia out of love and she is the love of my life. I didn’t marry her because of her tribe or her family status,” says Mr Nchimbi.

Words of wisdom

He says as human beings, each one of us has their strengths and weaknesses. Knowing this, he usually supported his wife and helped her improve on her strengths and reduce her weaknesses. But he did this carefully, in a loving and polite way.  He does the same todate and believes it is one of the pillars that have been holding their marriage together.

“Whenever a misunderstanding arises between us, we always take it as a challenge and deal with it in a positive way. We decide not to quarrel or shout at each other in front the children. We respect that and it has worked for us. We have never had a fight or reported our marriage problems to anybody. We deal with the problems together and thank God, we managed to sail through all these years,” says Mrs Nchimbi.

According to her, there are so many ways to create a strong bond in marriage. “For example, a family that has meals together will have a strong bond. Most couples never eat together as a family and by doing so, they unknowingly weaken their relationship,” she says.

Mrs Nchimbi says at times of crises or misunderstandings, eating together and talking to each other helps reduce the tension and eventually helps couples get back to their normal relationship. What you need to do, she says, is to be calm and talk to your partner in a very polite way. 

The charming woman says couples can also take evening walks together or go on a trip. This helps in renewing their love for each other and eventually strengthens their relationship, reminding them of how it all started,” explains Mrs Nchimbi.

She offers another piece of advice to couples saying they should avoid shouting or yelling at each other in front of people whenever they have misunderstandings. 

To women, Mrs Nchimbi says they should learn to balance being mothers, wives and other personal undertakings. They also should learn to balance family and work for those who are employed. 

Mr Nchimbi advises men not to allow patriarchy dominate their thinking. He says they should treat their wives equally and respect their role in the family and in the society.

“Our African customs and norms notwithstanding, women need to be treated equally. Men should know their responsibilities as heads of families and wives should take care of their domestic responsibilities as women of the house.

“As a husband and a father I know my responsibilities and the same applies to my best friend Sylvia. She has her responsibilities as the woman of the house and each of us respects that. We always support each other in everything,” he says.

Solving conflicts

In relationships, there are instances where couples don’t agree on certain issues. In such situations, Mrs Nchimbi advices that couples should be very careful when making decisions. 

She says agreeing to disagree on certain issues is okay but this should happen in a very polite way so as to maintain peace and harmony in the family. 

“Couples should understand that no one is perfect and that above all you should respect each other all the time. It is also unhealthy to use bad language or insult your spouse,” Mrs Nchimbi says.

Another tip for couples: Use your bedrooms to solve your misunderstandings and not the sitting room. “For example, our children may come and ask for something in our room while we are in the middle of some misunderstanding but they will never notice anything,” she says. 

Mrs Nchimbi advices young couples not to run away from their responsibilities but work and share their life dreams together. She says they should prioritize their common goals rather than individual goals.

“Most young couples are not responsible parents; they leave the burden to one another instead of giving each other a helping hand. And they tend to put their personal or individual interests first before their common goals as couples,” she explains.  

What is true love?

For Mr and Mrs Nchimbi, true love is all about loving, helping and supporting each other. And this includes working together to accomplish certain goals. Mr Nchimbi gives an example of the time when his wife switched careers.

“I gave her my full support when she switched from nursing to teaching. She had my blessings when she went to pursue further studies so as to achieve her dream. I knew she wanted to do that for the benefit of the whole family and it was good for her too. I let her do it and she did a wonderful job,” says Mr Nchimbi.

He says some couples don’t trust each other and that this is not healthy for marriage. You have to trust one another. Trust is a pillar of a long-lasting marriage,” he adds.

“For me, true love is sharing what you have. We work together, discuss together, participate in family and community matters together, we plan our budget together and make savings which we share together as well. There should be nothing like ‘this is my money and that is your money’. It has to be our money,” he advises.

Mrs Nchimbi’ cautions that couples should always avoid washing their dirty linen in public. 

“This is the worst thing couples can do. Exposing your husband’s or wife’s weaknesses may invite other people into your marriage and they might take advantage of that and destroy your relationship,” adds Sylvia. 

We wish the couple a happy Valentine’s Day!

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