Dear ex: For better or for worse? Do we have what it takes

Breakups can be difficult for some of us so naturally, it is a joy when we can make relationships work after all that. But how willing are you to take an ex back as a life partner after you’ve moved on?

When it comes to love, it can be a roller-coaster of emotions, no single person can predict or control what’s going to happen in their relationship.

Getting over your ex could take ages because of the bond that has been created, the memories and time invested in your relationship.

Loving your ex is normal but hurting yourself because of your inability to move on is not. Rome wasn’t built in a day and healing doesn’t happen overnight. Everything is a process.

In some situations, no matter how ugly the breakup, ex-lovers have managed to re-ignite former flames and marry one another even after years of breaking up.

When two lovers end their relationship, depression and anxiety can kick in, leading a person to some bad places if they don’t share what they’re feeling or idle.

For example, we are trapped in our minds for days reliving moments with that partner. Avoiding these dark spaces shows that you are ready to handle all the trauma of the breakup and face what you have gone through.

Speaking with Hamadi Saidi, a businessman at Makumbusho Dar es Salaam, he explains that when someone shows their vulnerability and you break up with someone over it then it’s not possible to later come and turn that around.

“For others it’s possible but for me, I don’t think it will work. Because a woman is like a weapon and may take advantage of it to destroy a man’s life,” he says.

Pendo Hamisi, media personnel at Click Habari and Click TV supports the notion because of the experience she’s had with a friend. What matters first is the event that caused the breakup.

“If they did not end it badly, it’ll be easier for them to reconcile and correct their mistakes and agree to continue their journey together,” Pendo clarifies.

However, she added that sometimes there is no need to go back if you are in another relationship. Going back could indicate that you’re not faithful and ready to start a new life.

According to a phone dealer at the Makumbusho bus stand, Yahaya Tuwa, he comments on the situation by singing the “Dear ex” song lyric ‘Sipashagi makabichi’, meaning that he’s not into reheating leftovers.

“Hala hala dear ex! I don’t think exes could make for good life partners because, after the breakup, we focus on new challenges, develop ourselves and learn more,” he says.

Having an ex doesn’t mean they are an enemy. It simply means perhaps at some point in life you felt that the relationship didn’t bring as much happiness as it did stress.

Therefore, to protect yourself and keep your mental health intact, it is better sometimes to let it go and find yourself. Perhaps you can revisit the relationship after this but it’ll need both of you to be more committed and faithful to that goal.

I introduced this topic in a WhatsApp group, and immediately two entrepreneurs jumped on the issue, going back and forth with great points.

Faraji Issa believes that it depends on the exes’ level of maturity. If it is high, it can work and vice versa.

“I think if you remove X then bring Y into it, you can forgive someone and keep the relationship. But it’s possible only for those who have matured,” he says

But Fifiwigs disagreed with what Faraji says, commenting that: “It doesn’t depend on maturity level, rather, just forgive and forget. There is no perfect person, many people perish by listening to people. Just pray about it.”

As you can tell from each comment, learning about likes, dislikes and annoying quirks often makes it hard to let go completely. The harder it is to let go, the more anxiety it will bring into your life.

When it comes to the topic of going back to your ex, you have to consider what led to the separation and what it’ll mean to take them back now. Breakups and makeups can be a source of inspiration for some.

It’s important to be sure that the makeup is well justified and not a quest for revenge because they hurt you during the course of the relationship.

Before you revisit a place that previously hurt you, it’s better to think and reason rationally because getting to know someone new takes time.

Take your time

Don’t rush for the sake of dinners and ‘Baby, I miss you’ texts! They are exciting but run their course in the long-term.

Sometimes the pressure from friends and family leads partners to go back for their exes without taking the time to think about their actions and how they affected their relationships.

Noel shares his experience of breaking up and making up four times with his girlfriend. Each time they did so, he realized things never quite went back to how they used to be.

“We rush through relationships; we don’t pace ourselves and that’s why it’s over within a few days of proclaiming our love for each other. But then we both miss each other and get back together. I don’t think this will work out between us,” he explains.

The amount of time doesn’t matter but being intentional with the month or year you have is important because you’re not planning on going through the same pain with the same person.

What do you want?

Always remember that you need happiness in your relationship. So, it’s important to know what draws you to your ex, and what qualities and expectations you need. If they don’t match up with what you were looking for then it’s better to look elsewhere for that happiness.

Speaking with Mariam, she shared her experience saying it depends on why the reconciliation is necessary as some are only there because they miss the cuddling and sex.

“Usually, exes come to you when they are alone or horny. They give some emotional speeches. The other person caves in and they end up having sex. Then it’s goodbye until the ex is horny again,” says Mariam

Don’t ignore your gut again

At some point in the relationship, your gut may have been telling you something wasn’t right but you ignored it. Now you look back and regret that you didn’t listen the first time.

Starting anew doesn’t mean the person has changed, there is a point that you need to understand that they are still the same person. If there is any doubt it’s better not to ignore it.

Joseph, who is in a 3-year relationship, explains that “Asking your ex to get back together can be scary. But if you take your time and learn from the past, there’s a chance they’ll say yes.”

Forgive

You can’t go back to your ex if you’re not ready to forgive. No matter the severity of the transgressions, if it was intentional or how often it was repeated. The willingness to forgive must be present in order to move on.

Anne Marie says that she has never reconciled with her ex but she believes that if there is honesty between partners then everything will work out.

“If you decide to get back together and love each other with positive expectations, giving yourselves to each other, then that’s perfect,” says Anne.

It is normal to have unhealed wounds, but being able to communicate your feelings will help you and your partner be ready to embark on new adventures.

Forgiveness is a process and therefore may not occur suddenly. If you have a hard time with this moving forward, then don’t rush into anything.

Be realistic

It’s a good idea to rebuild your relationship but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can rush it. Ask yourself why the relationship has ended.

If you had good reasons then there would be no need to rush getting back together and instead work on self-healing and restoring yourself first.

Faraji explains: “There was a point where I missed my ex because I was lonely. So I spent time with myself and some friends. The loneliness died down and I started to notice that I didn’t think about her that much,”

Reconciling with a former lover could be a terrible idea if it leads to deteriorated mental health. Such reasons can include abuse and incidents of unfaithfulness with lead to nasty breakups.

Some people are more likely to repeat the same mistakes without understanding how much the pattern negatively affects their mental health.

Whatever compromises your happiness and peace, we can all agree, is not worth revisiting.

Emotionally heavy task

As you know, reconciling with someone can be a heavy task that may put you through periods of anxiety and stress that leave you exhausted.

While you’re investing a lot of energy to make the relationship work, you may forget your own mental health. They say that love should come naturally but if those natural moments we seek aren’t well cultivated and don’t bring any happiness, then it may not be love.

Julius narrated his tale, comparing it to licking something you’ve spit out. He always blames himself for making the mistake of loving someone multiple times without any indication that the person would change.

“If someone doesn’t value your emotions, energy, time, and money, they probably won’t change no matter how much time it takes to reconcile and how much they claim to have changed. Imagine to this day my ex calls me and criticizes me that I ended up marrying a girl who looks more than my maid. Imagine that!” he says.

Depending on what you think is important and right for you, then go for it because you’ll always find evidence to support either case i.e., couples that made it work or couldn’t.

If going back to your ex is what you wanted then you better go for it but also look at all the important factors. And if the relationship is not worth it, then don’t put yourself through the trouble again.