What it is like being the family outcast

Being the first born in a family of four was never easy for 33-year-old Michael Bosco.

Having two sisters and a brother who seemed to always do everything right, while he seemed to do the opposite usually made things hard for him. Michael did only as he pleased and was considered a troublemaker in the family.

Unlike his siblings who were regarded as okay both socially and academically, Michael was always in trouble with his parents and the rest of the family. He was regarded as a deviant.

“It was never easy growing up in a family where your parents favoured your siblings more. That is what I believed at least. I never thought I was troublesome as I never thought I was doing anything wrong,” Michael recalls.

Michael had been the only child for four years and hence the apple of his parents’ eyes. His parents struggled to have a second child for four years and when Michael’s sister was finally born, they shifted all their attention to the new baby.

“I think things started to go wrong when my younger sister was born, followed by the rest of my siblings, all born in a period of four years. I was forced to emotionally adjust to the fact that I was no longer the centre of attention,” says Michael.

He painfully and helplessly watched his siblings, one by one, take away the position he enjoyed as an only child for four years. He had to find a way to stop this and Michael says he thought if he created chaos all the time, he would get the attention he thought he deserved. On the contrary this didn’t help but created problems instead. Fingers were pointed at him every time something went wrong in his family.

Michael says even now as a grown up man, he still feels he cannot fit well in his family. He suffered being pushed, rebuked and being left out of everything almost his whole life, just because his family felt he was a disgrace to the family.

“I was always told that I was a disgrace to our family. I couldn’t do better like the rest of my siblings and so I used to distance myself away from them, something that made matters worse.” He adds; “I remember studying in almost five different secondary schools because I couldn’t last for long in one school. I was either expelled after I conducted a number of illegal acts such as stealing, fighting, involving myself with gangs of weed users; in short my life was a drama,” he recalls.

Michael narrates how his father used to severely beat him whenever he took his car without permission and got drunk at the age of 17. “If only they would have taken time to listen to me and understand that I was special in my own way rather than neglecting me while my siblings received praise and love,” says Michael.

Michael, who is a professional accountant working at his father’s law firm still believes his father still does not believe he has changed. He thinks he still watches him closely to ensure he does not go back to his old ways.

“Am a grown man and I would love to have a family of my own one day. I know there are a number of young men and women out there who bear the black sheep label in their families but what I know is that they just need someone to listen and understand them. They should not be judged because that is what pushes them to the limit,” he advises.

Michael’s case is one among many cases we might have come across. At family level, we have seen a number of children who are considered physically and emotionally different than the other members of their families.
And with little understanding from the family and community as a whole they have been harshly judged and called names because of how they behave. They are considered outcasts in their families.

Neema Beneth, who is in her late 20s understands how it feels like to be the family black sheep. She says growing up as an open-minded young girl in a reserved family was hard.

“I was emotionally independent by nature, I had this attitude of doing things myself in a community where the female members were supposed to be obedient,” says Neema.
She went further saying “I was always ahead of things, whatever I set my mind to I would do no matter what. However, I was considered arrogant by some of my family members. I was considered a rebel whenever I was up against my family’s certain decisions,” she insists.

Neema who now works with an insurance company can’t stop thinking how rejected she always felt. “I tried for most of my younger years to act in accordance with my family demands but even that didn’t seem to help matters. The feeling that I was not loved was always with me.”
“I was always defined as moody and hostile, this might have been true but sadly no one bothered to find out why I was like that. Instead all this was used as proof that something was wrong with me.”

She says she was made to believe that she was the problem and tried to accept that. “It was hard to avoid it since we live in a society where the majority rule; It is commonly accepted that if the majority agree that something is wrong or something is right then that’s it.”

For as long as she can remember, Neema was the one who didn’t measure up to her family’s standards. Her mother Agnes Mashalla says it took years before she realised that her daughter needed help.
“First of all Neema is one of those girls who have many hidden talents, but since we misjudged her, we failed to recognise, accept and understand her for what she was. It was sad to hear her for countless times asking if we were her real family or if she had been adopted,” explains Neema’s mother.

She remembers how at some point they considered taking her to a psychologist. “It was hard because we didn’t know how to handle her behaviour. We considered many options but I must say God was the one who took care of everything. I had to undergo a series of counseling from my church pastor. He taught me the right way to handle my child including asking for mercy and forgiveness from God and I must admit God heard my prayers,” she says.

As a parent Agnes believes if other parents would learn to love their children differently but equally, then it would be easier for children not to be judged harshly because they can’t meet their parents’ expectations.

Aaron Nkini, a counselor psychologist from Wellness Services Tanzania says most children and even adults’ behaviours depend much on how they were raised by their parents.

“There are a number of reasons that can contribute to a child to have what we call the anti-social behaviour. These include chidhood experiences which can have a negative or positive effect in his future behaviour. The family’s past history also contributes to a child’s behaviour and parents may complain without knowing this. The lack of family time also is a contributing factor,” the psychologist says.

He advises parents against judging their children when they start to show certain behaviours and that instead they should focus more on how to help them.

“If you start to judge your child negatively based on his or her behaviour, that sticks into their mind that they have a problem. What happens next is that they loose confidence because they think they will cause trouble, while others become overconfident and end up causing more problems,” he explains.

He says instead of being judgmental, parents should instead look for better ways to help their children. “They need to have a one-to-one talk with their child. If their behaviour is out of control then they should seek professional help even though it is not in our culture to seek professional help, especially on behavioural issues.”

In her opinion posted at psychologytoday.com titled ‘On Being the Outsider; The Lasting Effects of Being Eexcluded,’ Dr Ditta M. Oliker advices those who are feeling outcasted to spend some time going back to what the issues of their family were and how they might have affected them.

“You need to recognise that, as a child, you might have been unable to understand the adults in your world and thinking in egocentric ways as children do, assumed the negativity or confusion in the interactions were due to some failure in you, not the others.”

Dr Ditta adds “Take stock of what you really enjoy doing, what your passions are, what your interests are, what kind of people offer you a goodness-of-fit. Then give yourself permission to pursue the activities and find the place and group of people that offer you a true sense of belonging.”

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