The pros and cons of high school romance

Do you remember those notes and romantic letters that were passed around the classroom from hand to hand while the teacher was writing on the board?

And finally placed between the pages of a textbook and read amidst the sighs and giggles of girls. Remember the boy at school that all the girls used to have a crush on? Remember when two girls had to fight over a boy they both loved?

As much as we are often too embarrassed to agree, teenage romance, a milestone of emotional development has and will always be practiced despite disapproval from parents and teachers.

Apart from being a place for learning and planning a future, finding out our interests and chosen career; schools have always been a place where students learn to make friends and construct their identity. Part and parcel of this process often involves romantic relationships with their peers.

Success had the chance to talk to some students who agreed to share their views and experiences on the topic. A Form Three student at Mchikichini Secondary School *Sandra says it’s true that some students have been engaging in romantic relationships with their fellow students but apparently most of those relationships hardly ever ended well.

“I have seen it at my school, but I think the only reason we want relationships is because we want to feel older or to impress our friends. But most of the time these relationships end within a short period of time because we realise that the other person wasn’t what we were looking for,” she explains.

She also adds that some boys only ask for friendships from girls because their friends have girlfriends, and they fear that they might feel out of place.

“ Because some people are very immature, sometimes things don’t go very well. I’ve seen some boys actually force girls to like them and go out with them and when these girls refuse these boys will then spread some nasty rumours about them.

It is not only the boys who suffer from a lack of self control, girls too often find it difficult to navigate the high-school dating scene. Consolata Marisa, remembers being diverted by a boy she fell in love with when she was 14 years old.

“It was a disaster. I became obsessed. I didn’t want him standing or talking with other girls and this went on for months. So as you can imagine even my grades dropped and funny enough I was willing to do anything including failing in school in order to spend more time with him.

Anything for a bit of attention

“I remember there was a time I had to lie to my parents that there was a school trip but in reality I wanted money to buy gifts for him. My parents discovered that there was no trip but I had to come up with another excuse and it worked. I manage to become his friend and it was fun. .After completing Form Four and the results came out we were both selected to join Tambaza High School but eventually my parents transferred me to another school because they didn’t want me to lose focus and miss the chance to pass my A-levels. They knew he was my boyfriend because I never stopped talking about him,” says Consolata. Consolata is now a mother and says she clearly understands what teenagers are going through. She urges parents to understand that secrets between children and parents can be avoided, instead, parents can talk openly to their children instead of being strict with them.

Memories of high school infatuations

Jackline Camillius,35, remembers how she used the school fees to buy cards for her boyfriend. “I was in boarding school in Moshi in the 90s and I had fallen in love with a boy called Loth; he was our neighbour in Mikocheni. I can’t say if it was just a crash or love but if you asked me then I would definitely tell you it was love. So when I was in Form Three I used the first semester money I was given for school fees to buy love cards and stamps,” she recalls.

“I made sure I sent him a letter every week or a card expressing my love for him. I spent my pocket money and the school fee to buy those things, but things got worse. I was asked to pay the fee. My parents were contacted and my father was very angry, he paid the school fees and punished me by making me spend the holidays at school. “He didn’t allow me to go back home and he didn’t send money for the fare; he only told the school administration to watch over me and never allow me to go anywhere. It was a big punishment for me, just seeing my friends go home while I stayed at school! I felt guilty but I had no choice because it was all my fault,” says Jackline.

What professionals say

A study done by Chung Pham and Tracy Keenan, senior researchers at Denver Public School, USA which focused on the effects of early adolescent romance showed that romantic relationships are an important element to adolescent life.

Young people spend much of their time thinking, talking, and engaging in romantic relationships. Strong positive or negative emotions in teenagers are more commonly caused by romantic relationships as opposed to other kinds of relationships such as with friends, parents, or school staff.

It is often believed that romantic relationships may negatively affect teenagers’ academic outcomes because the time spent with a romantic partner might distract one from schoolwork. This intuition is supported by many empirical studies in the literature. Early studies, by Grinder (1966), Larson et al. (1976) found that romantic relationships during high school were linked with lower GPAs or standardised test scores.

Quatman (2001) found that students who date frequently (more than twice per month) exhibited lower academic achievement and motivation. Rector, Johnson, Noyes & Martin (2003), found that early sexual activity initiated among young girls was related to negative health outcomes such as an increased rate of getting an STD, increased likelihood of having an abortion, increased rates of depression, and decreased happiness, which are likely to foster negative academic outcomes. On the other hand, the study showed that moderate dating may be beneficial because it does not take away too much time from studying, and the time taken away might be necessary for the students to develop social skills.

It has been shown that dating can help teens understand who they are and what they value, and provide a training ground for youth to develop interpersonal skills (Sorensen, 2007).

The feeling of competency in dating and a resulting increase in self-esteem may have a self perpetuating influence on student performance. In addition, daters may find mental support from their partners when school does not go well for them, or they may learn more effectively when they study together.

The right way

Moses Mashauri, 45, says dating is a stage in a relationship where we find out if the person we’re dating is someone we would consider marrying. “Most of our children at the age of thirteen onwards are in secondary school, so how many of them are thinking about marrying someone they have a crash on? I myself when I was at Minja Secondary School back in 1994, fell in love with a girl. I remember how I would spend sleepless nights just thinking of her when we were in school holidays. But after we completed high school, we went our separate ways though we kept in touch for sometime but it didn’t last that long,” he said

He advises parents to take an active role in teaching and helping their children understand normal dating behaviour. By doing this, parents are then able to set limits and protect their children from unhealthy relationships and academic problems.

“I am not encouraging our children to start relationships while they are still in school but as parents we need to be open with our children because whether we like it or not our children at some point will get attracted or secretly start romantic relationships with people we hardly know and the fact that we are very busy with work ­means we don’t get to see what they do, so this is better than saying they shouldn’t date at all,” explains Moses.

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