Has bride price lost its nobility?

One of the things that can delay men or discourage them altogether from marrying is dowry, a price set by parents or a family of the would-be bride paid by the family of a man who has proposed to marry their daughter.

It is an undisputed reality that a wedding, whether big or small, traditional or modern, is a one-day event but marriage is a lifetime bond. As such, dowry payment is a profound part of marriage; signifying the intent to live together for a lifetime.

Bride price has over the years become a point of contention. Some parents have gone as far as to deny their daughters the right to marry men of their choices for a simple reason that their potential son-in-law can’t afford to pay the required bride price. There are some cases where men or women have failed to live with those they consider to be the love of their lives because the imposed bride price was too high for them to afford.

In certain instances, parents have treated their daughters as assets, setting a high bride price with the view of benefiting from the dowry. Other parents who have invested a lot on their daughters feel that they deserve a high bride price, the amount that reflects the value of what they invested in them in terms of education.

There are those who are well-off, they think that bride price is just a formality and set just a reasonable price for their daughters. For them, their daughters’ happiness comes first. Such situations have brought about a heated debate of whether dowry is still relevant, or just an impediment to marriage.

Anthony Luvanda, a motivational speaker, is of the view that in an African setting, dowry is used to measure the ability of a man to take care of his wife. “Back in the days, women were dependent on men because men were the sole providers for their families,” he says.

Anthony argues that paying bride price was the only proof that a man can take care of not only his wife but also his family. “It implies that a man is capable of providing basic needs to his family and a guarantee that a woman would not starve at the hands of the man,” he says.

Despite all the good traditional beliefs associated with dowry, the question of its relevance is still debatable. Anthony does not feel that the current generation should do away with dowry. “Bride price is a good thing because it creates and formalises the connection between the two families. However, being irrelevant depends on the situation,” he argues.

For example, the motivational speaker says that telling someone to pay ten cows as dowry, something that’s equivalent to between Sh7m - Sh9m is a crazy idea. “Bride price is still relevant but it shouldn’t be set so high,” he advises, adding, “New couples face a myriad of challenges, unemployment being among them; imposing high bride price would not be fair to them.”

Renatus Sona, a resident of Dar es Salaam, is of the opinion that dowry is still relevant. For him, men do not just pay dowry for the sake of formalities. “Men pay dowry to establish a formal relationship between his family and that of the bride-to-be,” he says.

Renatus says in line with African culture and traditions, a marriage would not be considered to have been formalised if the groom-to-be has not paid the dowry to the family of the bride-to-be.

“In African customs, marriage is valued only if bride price has been paid. It has been a tradition for centuries and it will remain so for years to come. It is a part of a inheritance process. It makes a man be respectable within his family and the community,” he says.

“Bride price promotes marriage and relationship but nowadays it is seems to have lost its value,” he adds. What makes Renatus feel that bride price is losing its meaning is a tendency of some parents, who take their daughters’ marriage as a source of earning a handsome fee from a man who intends on marrying their daughter.

“Some parents think that dowry should reflect the value of their daughters. In such a view, they (family members) consider their daughter’s bride price as a start-up capital for them to use in their daily undertakings. This is a misleading notion,” says Renatus.

Though he did not rule out the possibility of greedy parents craving for their daughters’ dowry, Shabaan Mussa, a father of two, thinks dowry is in part an ‘outdated norm’ which he says isn’t relevant in today’s world.

“Some outdated norms accustomed with dowry need to be abandoned for it to remain with its common accepted inherited value,” he argues, mentioning a list of items a man is supposed to provide as part of the dowry which makes it irrelevant.

“One would be asked to bring a number of chicken, cows, goats, a big cooking pot and other home utensils, a hoe, bush knife, a pair of fabric like Khanga and Kitenge’, a blanket, and the list goes on,” says Shabaan, adding: “It is such a cumbersome list of items demanded by the family of the bride-to-be that erode the relevance of dowry.”

For Shabaan, if paying dowry would be scrapped all together, it would allow more men to marry. “Some parents set a high bride price to the extent that one feels like he is buying a commodity. This scares away men who were ready to marry,” he says.

Before getting married Gift Mwaipopo told her husband what he was supposed to do so as to be given a wife. “Apart from the bride price, they were given a list with a number of items they were supposed to provide as part of dowry,” recalls Gift.

Lucky for her that after a negotiation process, her fiancée was allowed to pay the dowry in terms of money and items. “And after a bargaining process, the two families reached a consensus and dowry was paid,” says Gift.

Her husband, Elvis Masiga, says for him to pay the required bride price was a sign of appreciation to his wife’s parents. “People should not compare the amount they invested in raising and educating their daughters and the bride price set as the dowry – they are two different things,” says Elvis.

“For me, paying bride price is an appreciation to her parents for taking good care of my wife, raising her, paying for her education and above all allowing me to marry her,” he adds.

In a religious point of view, dowry is as equally important as marriage. Saada Mkongwa, a Dar resident, says dowry should be anything the bride-to-be asks her fiancée to give her. “I’m not an Islamic scholar but I do understand that dowry is an important element in marriage process and it is paid to the daughter and not her parents,” she adds.

Irene Mbowe, who got married some 21 years ago, is of the opinion that the bible also acknowledges dowry in some way. She references a story in Genesis where gifts were availed as a sign of appreciation to a virgin girl who was to be wedded.

Irene feels that when it comes to dowry; both parents and the bride-to-be should reach some kind of a consensus. “Parents should consult their daughters before deciding the amount to be paid as the dowry,” she says.

For her part, a 51-year-old psychosociologist, Edwick Mapalala, says dowry is still relevant in today’s world. “It is very unfortunate that some families set the bride price too high,” she says, advising parents not to take advantage of the situation. “Dowry is a sign of respect and appreciation to parents and nothing more,” she adds.

Dignity

Despite not publicly advocating for its abandonment, some women and gender activists have argued that dowry erodes women’s dignity in some way. They are of the view that men who pay dowry harbour possessive feelings over their wives.

However, although it is part of a century-inherited custom in most African societies, what gender and women activists have not turned out to advocate let alone debate publicly is whether there should be an indicative price for dowry.

Due to changing cultures and view on life, there are situations where brides-to-be handover money to their suitor in order for it to act as bride price.

Pastor Joseph Masegere, the Secretary General, Children Department at the Tanzania Assemblies of God Church, is of the view that such a situation might also occur when the girl feels that her fiancée cannot afford the bride price set by her parents.

“If parents ask for a high bride price, it might in turn be like slavery to their daughter during marriage. If the marriage doesn’t work, it is very likely that the husband can demand being paid back the dowry,” he explains.

The pastor however advices girls not to pay bride price for themselves as it can grind down the confidence her husband needs to have as a family leader, leading to failure in many cases.

On the other hand, he says, parents should be fair by not setting a high bride price for their daughter(s).