Breaking generational curses: Unlearning toxic family cycles before they define you

If you grew up hearing, “That’s just how things have always been,” you’re not alone. In many Tanzanian families, tradition is deeply rooted, shaping everything from career choices to relationships. 

But what happens when those traditions cause more harm than good? What if some of the behaviours passed down aren’t healthy but toxic patterns disguised as “family values”?
What are generational curses?

A generational curse isn’t just about superstition or spiritual beliefs. In psychological terms, it refers to deeply ingrained behaviours, attitudes, and trauma passed down through generations.

This can manifest in different ways:
● Unhealthy money habits – Growing up with financial instability can lead to fear-based spending or struggling with the idea of saving.
● Emotional unavailability – If love was expressed through discipline rather than affection, you might struggle to be emotionally open in your own relationships.
● Fear of authority – Being raised in a strict household where questioning elders was seen as disrespectful can make it hard to advocate for yourself at work or in personal relationships.
● Silence over struggles – Mental health discussions are often brushed aside, with phrases like “Vumilia” or “Hayo ni mambo ya Wazungu” making it harder to seek help.

These cycles persist not because they are right, but because they are familiar. The first step in breaking them is recognising what needs to change.

The psychology behind generational patterns
Why do harmful family patterns repeat? According to Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory, people learn behaviour through observation and imitation. 

If you grew up watching your parents handle conflict with silence, you might unconsciously do the same in your relationships. If stress was managed through avoidance or anger, that might become your default response, too.

The brain also normalises what it repeatedly experiences. If neglect, manipulation, or toxic gender roles were part of your upbringing, they can feel “normal” even when they’re unhealthy. Unlearning these habits requires intentional effort.

How to identify toxic family patterns
1. Notice repeating themes – Do you see the same struggles in your family across generations? Financial instability? Dysfunctional marriages? Unspoken resentment? Identifying patterns helps in disrupting them.

2. Question the "truths" you were taught – Challenge the narratives you grew up with. Were you told that vulnerability is weakness? That suffering in silence is strength? Many of these beliefs are rooted in survival, not in emotional well-being.

3. Recognise emotional triggers – Do certain family interactions leave you feeling drained, unseen, or guilty? Those moments often point to patterns that need breaking.

Steps to breaking the cycle

1. Learn and unlearn consciously – You can’t change what you don’t understand. Educate yourself on psychology, mental health, and healthy relationships. Read books, listen to podcasts, or seek therapy if possible. Understanding why your parents acted a certain way helps in breaking the cycle without resentment.

2. Set boundaries without guilt – Many of us struggle with saying "no" to family. But boundaries aren’t disrespect—they are protection. If constant comparisons or criticism affect your self-esteem, limiting certain conversations is necessary. Saying, "I don't want to talk about marriage every time I visit," isn’t rejection; it’s self-preservation.

3. Embrace emotional awareness – Practice emotional intelligence. Notice when you react out of habit rather than intention. If raised in a home where anger was the primary emotion, allow yourself to feel sadness or joy without guilt. If emotional support was absent, learn to express your needs clearly.

4. Break the silence around mental health – Therapy isn’t just a Western concept—healing is universal. Normalising discussions about anxiety, depression, and past trauma within family spaces helps create a shift. Even if your elders don’t understand therapy, showing emotional openness in your own relationships creates change.

5. Redefine "family values" for yourself – Cultural respect doesn’t mean cultural compliance. You can honour your heritage while rejecting the aspects that harm you. Being a cycle-breaker means creating a version of family that prioritises emotional well-being over outdated expectations.

Breaking generational curses is hard. It means being the first to speak when silence was the rule. It means choosing growth over comfort. But it also means creating a future where love is open, healing is embraced, and the next generation doesn’t inherit the struggles we had to fight through.

You are not obligated to repeat cycles that don’t serve you. The fact that you’re questioning, unlearning, and choosing better means the cycle is already breaking. Keep going.
 

Haika Gerson is a writer and psychology student at the University of Derby, passionate about human behaviour and mental well-being.