WATERCOOLER MOMENTS : Doing it all: fact or fiction?
What you need to know:
- One of the critical lessons to borrow should focus on resisting the notion that one should aspire to do it all. The notion that it is possible to have it all and in the manner in which we think is best for us is a challenged concept with all manner of errors.
In my article last week I focused on our millennial workers – in there somewhere, I noted that in my view the millennial workers had cracked what life ought to be! That they were more alive and that the other generations ought to borrow a few leaves from the millennial’s guide.
One of the critical lessons to borrow should focus on resisting the notion that one should aspire to do it all. The notion that it is possible to have it all and in the manner in which we think is best for us is a challenged concept with all manner of errors.
The foundations of success in life as in business are heavily reliant on the principle of give and take. Compromise!
A professor of economics at Cornell Sharon Poczter once explained “The antiquated rhetoric of ‘having it all’ disregards the basis of every economic relationship; the idea of trade-offs. All of us are dealing with the constrained optimisation that is life, attempting to maximise our utility based on parameters like career, kids relationships, etc, doing our best to allocate the resource of time. Due to the scarcity of this resource, therefore none of us can ‘have it all’ and those who claim to are most likely lying”
The millennials have hacked this one by committing to having time for things that they love to do -“the heart things” and they pursue them unapologetically in their need for career breaks, in my view this is a stroke of genius and is admirable.
The ‘doing it all’ problem is compounded for women by the cultural norms society sets for women. At the back of the mind of every women who is trying to be successful in fields outside the home, there is a voice questioning if they are doing the right thing; there are accusatory looks that playback the message that we are falling short of the expectations our families have on us, that we are letting down our loved ones. We have to endure the number one question posed to women, how do you balance the demands of work and your family? How do you juggle it? Though this question on the face of it seems perfectly reasonable perhaps even a touch empathetic, it infuriates me because, I am yet to hear the same question asked of a man! Is this because our definition of a successful woman is intricately linked to success of her family? If this is the case, shouldn’t we demand the same of fathers? How does success in this case look like? Who defines it? What parameters? Time with family? Values of the family unit? The children’s abilities to engage with the challenges of the world? These questions and more for sure exist in minds of women in the professional lane. There are no simple answers, but I believe how we engage with these questions at a personal and professional level is directly linked to the level of success we attain in our professional aspirations.
I humbly submit the following nuggets that may come in handy;
Dear Lady;
1. Decide what is important and actively plan to dedicate resources to it; be it time or energy etc
2. Refuse to worry about the none-issues – for example declining to torture yourself about the school uniforms not being perfectly ironed.
3. Reject the notion of perfection. Perfection is the enemy as nobody is perfect
4. Do NOT try to meet every demand put to you – be deliberate about what you take on board, learn to say NO, set firm limits. It is our responsibility as professionals to draw the line. We determine how many days to work late, how many we get home earlier than usual to help with the homework etc
5. Manage the guilt – women working hard to build their careers are overburdened by this emotion. It is important that it is managed, by challenging the thinking around what is the right thing to do? What is the best thing to do? Are over-mothering? The CEO of PepsiCo posted a wonderful video interview that had amazing tips of dealing with guilt – Google it.
6. Finally and in my book most important; it is going to be a messy journey for sure, but let it be a hot mess darn it!
Choose to enjoy every bit of it; the good, the bad and the downright ugly! Doing it all is as pure as fiction can get, decline the invitation to have it all!
The author is a senior manager in the Human Resources Department, East Africa Aga Khan University
