21st century marriages and the tyranny of the mammoth

For the first time in human history, divorce has surpassed death as the most common endpoint of marriage. This unprecedented shift in the dynamics of human relationships calls for a new paradigm, that is, a more humane approach to social policy, family law, and marital therapy. James P. Cunningham observes this in his article featured in the Michigan Bar Journal in January 2024.

“While modern human life is dramatically different from its past, this does not, ipso facto, explain away this seeming anomaly of the family," says prominent family psychologist Dr William M. Pinsof. In his carefully documented study, he seeks to identify the reasons behind what he calls ''the death-to-divorce transition.'' But why is this so?

The change in women's role: In recent years, we've witnessed a tremendous shift in the role of women in marriage, family, and world society. Women now live longer and healthier lives. Dr Pinsof identifies the changing ''biopsychosocial'' roles of women as having an enormous impact on this scenario. The reduced fertility rate, through the adoption of modern contraceptive technologies, has resulted in much smaller families in the past half century. Several cited studies demonstrate that the likelihood of divorce is lower in larger families and higher in smaller ones.

The tyranny of the mammoth: Another factor affecting relationships is the rise in women's income. Financial independence has greatly increased choices, providing women with unprecedented freedom and opportunities. However, with many choices, women need to be humble.

Yes, financial independence can increase the likelihood of divorce, but it depends on the circumstances. Research shows that women's economic independence significantly increases the likelihood of divorce for couples with children.

It's a sad fact that these days, both men and women struggle to handle success. Therefore, prosperity becomes a mixed blessing for families. Many men, for instance, find it challenging to resist the flattering attention of young women who admire their success. This can sometimes lead to extramarital affairs.

For women, it's the submission issue. It takes an extra level of humility to continue living under the leadership of your husband while you earn more. For Esther and me, this has never been a problem. Even in the days when she earned more, her attitude remained unchanged.

In conclusion, we are living in a weird world that has no respect for marriage and commitment in relationships. Most of us are busy making money but hardly learn relationship financial principles. When I was a boy, I once heard someone say, "God made man, and man made money, but money made man mad. Yet someone else said, "It's humans who assigned values to papers called money, but soon after that, the papers started assigning values to humans. Can we overcome this tyranny? Yes, we can. Relationships and human connections are priceless. 

Amani Kyala is a Counselor, Teacher and Writer;  [email protected],  0626 512 144