DEAR DIARY : Every person makes his own prison

Only in places like America are a few people-mostly celebs-allowed to self-surrender after they are found guilty of a crime. Lauryn Hill recently went to Federal Correctional Institution to serve her three-month term for tax evasion.  With privileges like these, what would happen in Africa?

The second time, I went to prison, I wasn’t checking myself in; I’m a law-abiding citizen. A good friend had got into a situation and I was part of the rescue mission. Those were the longest 30 minutes of my life. But not as long as the Zimmerman case that has dragged on from February when Trayvon Martins was shot, till recently when the controversial not-guilty verdict was given.  I’ve followed the Zimmerman case and I feel sorry. Sorry for the Martins, Americans, Zimmerman but mostly for humanity.

In more ways than one, we look for freedom like it’s the last thing in the world but when we finally have it; we act like it’s not the type we subscribed for. My first prison experience caught me young. Probably too young to understand how I limited my potential by enclosing myself in a tiny cage. I remember Faith; the girl from my primary school, who held me captive most of my life-in primary school.

She viciously made her way to the top of my class and stayed put, right there as if her name was imprinted on that spot. I read, dipped my feet in water but life went on oblivious of my obsession with Faith. The more I pushed, the higher she leaped.

Many people developed faith in her and she became a hero; but in my life she was a dark cloud that had refused to go away. Like a tornado, she caused havoc in my life. My heart was green with envy and deep down I knew that in my very near future, I had to be Faith. I talked, dressed and looked at people straight in the eye, like she did. She almost introduced me to Jehovah Witnesses club.

Then, the world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork. Now I know better that such is life.

We will be imprisoned in a room with a door that’s unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to us to pull rather than push. Anger, jealousy, insecurity and many emotional ‘crimes’ consume our mind body and soul prompting us to think and act like the object of our obsession. We want to be darker, taller, and sexier like the person or situation on the other side.

In the wonderful world of self-imprisonment, there is always a price to pay: For admission, you get an array of illnesses, a nearly irresistible urge to revenge and an inferiority complex. Trying to free yourself once you have checked into your ‘cell’ is like freezing ice in the sun.

Queen

Twitter@queeniesaina