I wish I'd known partners are made, not born

Mark Travers, an American writer and psychologist who writes about the world of psychology and psycho-educational topics such as happiness, relationships, personality, and life meaning, has profoundly reminded us that no one is born a good partner. You can work to become a good partner.

Oleksandr Usyk, the current world heavyweight champion, considered giving up boxing after losing his first amateur fight, but Evander Holyfield's story changed his mind. As an amateur, he won gold medals at the European, World, and Olympic Games Championships, while as a professional, he's one of only three male fighters in the four-belt era to achieve undisputed status in two different weight classes.

However, Usyk may never have achieved any of this were it not for a pep talk from his father after losing his first fight. The same happened to Evander Holyfield, a former heavyweight champion who lost twice to Collins in the amateur. Holyfield says, “When I lost my first fight at 11 years old, I quit," he explained. "My mama said that I’d have to go back because she didn't raise a quitter. I lost my second fight [to Collins again], and I quit. But later Holyfield defeated Collins in the third fight. Anything can be learnt with success.

Being a good partner requires both hard and soft skills: No one is born a good partner; good partners are made, not born. We live in a culture where modern men and women romanticise marriage; we now think that marriage is all about compatibility. This isn't true; soft skills are required to make marriage work. Communication, emotional intelligence, decision-making, personal management, adaptability, problem-solving, networking, and teamwork can be learnt. 

Honestly speaking, you can learn and then master some of these skills, like communication, empathy, problem-solving, etc. These traits aren't inherent or inborn; we can learn them through experience, practice, and failure. 

Invest! Garbage in, garbage out: If we want good results in anything, we must invest effort. Mark Travers reminds us that the quality of our relationships is a direct reflection of the effort we put in as partners. Therefore, what you put in is what you get out. And this is true. How many relationship books have you read? How many relationship seminars have you attended? Personally, I've attended dozens of seminars and read more than 200 books on relationships. 

Read at least 10 marriage and relationship books, and attend a relationship seminar at least once per year. Even pleasant things like physical and emotional intimacy require time and investment. It’s very easy to push them aside when life gets busy, hectic, or monotonous. 

Finally, every one of us must take time to learn about psychosocial matters, and it is especially a good habit that pays the elaborate value of dividends when we learn from time to time psychoeducational topics such as happiness, relationships, emotional intelligence, life meaning, and others. 

Amani Kyala is a Counselor, Teacher, and writer; [email protected],  0626 512 144