Between love and identity: The cost of a woman taking her husband’s surname

Yet for others, it later becomes a source of pain, particularly when marriages break down, and questions of personal identity emerge.

Behind the practice of using a husband’s surname instead of a father’s lies a web of personal stories and sharply divided views.

Supporters argue that taking a husband’s name offers social recognition, affirms belonging, and helps sustain marital harmony.

Critics counter that it strips women of their original identity and becomes a burden when relationships collapse.

In some cases, disputes over surnames have even reached the courts, with former husbands demanding that ex-wives stop using their family names after divorce.

One such case involves Ms Grace Okello, whose marriage to George Okello was legally dissolved in 2022.

She says her former husband insisted she stop using his surname, “At that time, I was using my husband’s name, but he did not want me to continue.”

Grace added that she is now reclaiming her original identity as Grace Mkama.

Ms Stella Nelson shares a similar experience.

She says she abandoned her father’s surname, Benedictor, to take her husband’s name, Nelson Byinamungu, during courtship and marriage.

“While we were dating, Nelson liked calling me by his surname, Stella Nelson. I enjoyed it and accepted it out of love,” she says.

“Even after marriage, I continued using it and later registered my national ID as Stella Benedictor Nelson, placing my father’s name first and my husband’s last.”

Today, however, she is determined to return fully to her father’s surname, Benedictor Njaidi.

“I regret using my husband’s surname. I did it out of love and emotion. Feelings change. We are still married, but I no longer wish to carry his surname,” she added.

Divided opinions among men

Men interviewed by The Citizen’s sister newspaper, Mwananchi, expressed mixed views, reflecting broader social divisions on the issue.

Mr Jackson Magafu says he is comfortable with his wife using his surname, describing it as a family “brand” that strengthens identity.

“I see no problem with my wife using my surname,” he says, adding that even in the event of separation or divorce, he would not object if she chose to keep it.

Mr Said Seif holds a sharply different view, saying he would never allow his wife to abandon her family surname in favour of his.

“There are two reasons. First, marrying her does not make me her owner; I am only her partner. Second, she comes with her own lineage and must continue to be identified by her father’s name,” said Mr Seif, adding that religious teachings reinforce this position, citing his family history.

“My father died many years ago, and my mother did not remarry. She was respectfully called ‘Mama Seif’, but she never changed her surname because of love. Even religion forbids it,” he says.

Mr Jerome Daniel says he accepts his wife using his surname if she chooses, but insists she should not retain it in the event of separation.

He adds he would also oppose his daughter adopting her husband’s surname after marriage.

Religious leaders weigh in

Religious leaders say the practice has no foundation in African religious traditions, describing it as a product of Western influence.

Retired Auxiliary Bishop of the Catholic Diocese of Bukoba, Methodius Kilaini, says Africans did not traditionally use a husband’s surname.

“This is not a religious requirement. It is a social custom borrowed from Western culture,” he says.

He explains that the practice is rooted in the belief that a woman leaves her birth family to join her husband’s household and should therefore share his identity, particularly after having children.

“Problems arise when couples separate, especially if they have no children. Some cases even end up in court,” said Bishop Kilaini.

Dar es Salaam Regional Kadhi, Sheikh Ramadhan Kitogo, is more explicit, saying Islam strictly forbids a woman from abandoning her father’s surname.

“When you marry, you must continue using your family name until death,” he says.

“Even prayers offered after death are done in your family name, not your husband’s. In Islam, using your husband’s surname is a sin,” added Sheikh Kitogo.

He cites an example from Islamic history, when Zayd, raised in the Prophet Muhammad’s household, was referred to as Zayd Muhammad.

“That practice was stopped, and it was made clear that people must be called by their true lineage. This applies to both men and women,” he explained.

Social and psychological impact

Social and parenting counsellor, Mr Christian Bwaya, said many women change their surnames to feel accepted in a new family.

“Culturally, one may feel justified, but psychologically it can be challenging, especially when a woman feels she is losing her personal history,” he says.

He stresses that declining to adopt a husband’s surname does not signal a lack of harmony in marriage.

“The issue is about the feeling of belonging, not love itself,” he explains.

According to Mr Bwaya, divorce often creates serious complications for women who have changed their names on official documents.

“When a name becomes widely known, and the marriage ends, the emotional and practical costs are much higher,” he says.

What the law says

The Registration, Insolvency and Trusteeship Agency (RITA) says a woman’s decision to change her surname is personal, but disputes commonly arise when relationships deteriorate.

RITA registration officer, Mr Joseph Mwakatobe says many women face difficulties when trying to revert to their original family names.

“Returning to a father’s surname after years of using a husband’s can be lengthy and stressful,” he says, noting that the emotional strain is often compounded by bureaucratic hurdles.