Marriage partners facing adversity together

Two sides fought during the American Civil War (April 12, 1861–May 26, 1865). The Union (the North) represented the United States of America, and the Confederacy (the South) was formed by states that had broken away from the Union.

The Union consisted of the states that remained in the United States, fighting to preserve the nation and prevent the breakaway of the Southern states. The Confederacy was formed by 11 Southern states that withdrew from the Union, aiming for independence and the preservation of slavery. Union soldiers wore blue uniforms, while Confederate soldiers wore grey.

There's a fictitious story about a soldier who openly walked on the road wearing a blue jacket and grey trousers, trying to show that he supported both sides. He was shot by both sides at the same time. The rule of thumb is this: you're either a friend or a foe. During war, there is no middle ground. You're either an ally or an enemy.

In marriage, a husband and a wife are a team with shared friends and foes. You can't be an enemy of the husband and become a friend of the wife. Any marital union that allows this is doomed to failure. This is a recipe for disaster. Let's take heed of two necessities for winning the war together:

Remember you're a team: Actually, the same team. Everything you do must be agreed upon by both of you. Decide together how to manage your finances, holidays, time, and other important matters. Agree on who is a true friend to your union and who should be kept at a distance. 

Sometimes it helps to sit down and discuss these matters sincerely to keep each other in the loop. A team wins together and loses together. Learn the art of “heart talks” that enable you to listen and understand, not to correct the other person or defend yourself.

Selfishness is a mortal enemy: Do not underestimate this tricky and dangerous threat to relationships. The truth is, we are naturally selfish. This is shocking yet true. This is who we are: "I want my opinion endorsed," "I will do it my way," or "this is my right." But if we cannot move beyond these "I" statements and attitudes, we are completely doomed. True love is other-centred and willingly sacrifices for the well-being of another.

Finally, while there are many external enemies that we must face together, the most tricky one lives within us. As an indomitable team, we must defeat both. Let no one deceive you; marriage is a tricky thing. No matter what your views are, the basic principle behind it is this: you vowed to become and live as one. If something is poisonous to the husband, it should be poisonous to the wife. Period.

Amani Kyala is a Counsellor, Teacher, and Writer.  Email: [email protected],  0626 512 144.